Adult Snow-day

Think back to the feeling of being 12 years old. You wake up dreading school, smelling like if mildew could sweat with a painful surprise under the covers. You slowly drag yourself out of bed and are walking towards the mirror to check for pimples when you realize it’s 8:30 and there’s snow on the ground. It’s a snow day! You pack up your tent, get on AIM to hit up your boys and throw on the puffy overalls. This feeling will only be topped in the future by the one you get when your high school girlfriends parents plan out of town trips or you watch Nirvana unplugged for the first time. You sled for hours, build a snowman and the day is a reminder that you’re young and alive.

Now fast forward to the age of 35. It takes you 20 minutes to get out of bed because you have a bad back. You take a marathon shower because it hurts to get out, check out the balding process before you dry your hair and do some dishes. You read a book about the colonization of the Congo because you apparently want to be depressed, make breakfast and watch videos of Kawhi Leanord laughing. Now it’s 9AM and your lack of options is only a reminder that you’re old and alive.

However, not all is lost. There are hundreds of terrible Christmas movies on Netflix and your companion and snow day brother is your actual brother. It is a tough decision between Christian Mingle Christmas, A Christmas Moose Miracle, Christmas Wedding Planner and Christmas in the Smokies. After much deliberation, a decision flowchart and a near fist fight Christmas in the Smokies wins because of the picture below. Let’s break this classic down and then the backcourtpress will let you get back on with your day.

 

 Plot: 

                  I’m going to write this plot summary in the same jumbled, nonsensical, hurried way this disaster of a production was thrown together. The woman in the above picture appears to be about 30 years old and is named Shelby. She lives on her family farm with her two parents. The family makes a delicious blackberry jam but it is apparently not delicious enough to pay for 50 acres of land. The bank is running out of patience with the family and an evil developer is about to swoop in like a vulture and put this corpse of a family out on their asses.

Shelby tries to have multiple conversations about their impending doom. However, the parents are not concerned at all. The mother is close to a mute and the father either quotes bible verses or starts talking about something completely unrelated (we’ll get to this legend later.) You would not know by looking at her, she is apparently unable to change facial expressions, but Shelby is close to the end of her rope¹.

In a twist no one saw coming her country star boyfriend, Mason Wyatt(pictured below), has shockingly just moved back into town fresh off a disastrous performance on Dancin Country.² Even though Shelby hates him, she still holds resentment over him forgetting about her when he made it big at 17, the father invites him over to dinner upon sight. During the dinner the father invites him to move in! Shelby is furious but allows it because Mason will be paying $5,000 a month to live in a barn!

       

For the next few weeks not much happens except for Shelby constantly berating Mason. The guy is a gorgeous, famous, nice, country singer that is humble enough to stay in a barn like a peasant but none of this matters to Shelby. You would think a marginally attractive 30 year old woman that is devoid of a personality would jump at the chance to be with this stud who could also, you know, save your family, the farm and the sweet, sweet blackberry jam but you would be very wrong. She constantly tells him he’s selfish, shallow and just a real piece of shit.

Mason shockingly continues to apologize for becoming famous at 17 and not staying in a relationship with a high school girl while he was touring the globe. I mean what an asshole this guy was at 17! How did he not turn down millions of dollars, fame, beautiful women and his lifelong dream to crush berries and take Shelby to prom?? Anyways, Mason agrees to put on a benefit concert that only 50 people attend. It does not raise nearly enough money but Shelby gets a phone call and a company wants to invest in the blackberry jam! Everyone is happy and I need a drink.

 

 

Best Character: Hands down the best character is the grandad, Wade Haygood. He gets the ball rolling³ in this hole less plot by inviting a man his daughter hates to dine and eventually live with them. He gives everyone the same creepy stare throughout the movie. He also does not say anything in the entire film that makes sense. My favorite scene starts with him inexplicably drinking a cup of coffee at 10 pm. Shelby and his wife tell him he’s not going to be able to go asleep. He gives his daughter and lifelong sexual partner his creepy stare and states, “I can go to bed and wake up whenever I want, unlike your mother,” starts cackling hysterically and then goes to sleep. Does the Mom have narcolepsy or problems sleeping? In either case why is he making fun of her for it? Can he really go to sleep and wake up on command? What is wrong with this family?

 

 

 

Worst/most disturbing character: Shelby is awful but her mother is somehow worse. Not only does it seem that her husband hates when she talks but she also appears to have a strange sexual attraction to Mason. She looks at him the way old women used to look at my brothers and I when we would visit my grandfather at his assisted living facility. There’s also a scene where Mason plays the guitar for her on the porch and she appears close to climax. The lack of depth from the female characters combined with the way ole Wade talks to them is truly disturbing. I doubt Gary Wheeler every directs another film but if he does I’m going to organize a boycott.

 

Biggest plot hole: I know you’ve been thinking this whole time⁴, “Why doesn’t this famous guy that’s still in love with someone that won’t forgive him for following his dreams at 17 just pay for the farm and save the day?” In the words of Mason, “times are tight right now for me too. There’s not much I can do to help but I’ll do what I can.What? He’s a Luke Bryan level country star but doesn’t have $60,000 to spare because he made a faux paus on a nationally televised dance contest that one would think was paying him at least that. Are we led to believe his dancing was so bad that he had to return all of the millions of dollars he must have earned over the last 15 years AS A WORLD FAMOUS COUNTRY SINGER? Does he have a meth problem? Gambling? Can’t stop buying the new dances in Fortnite? Give us something!

 

Overall rating:  Christmas at the Smokies earns a three out of ten. It’s a terrible movie but not terrible enough to be unintentionally funny except on a few occasions. Bud Haygood, played by the legendary Barry Corbin, is electric but it’s simply not enough.

1-Looking up the origins of idioms is one of my favorite past times. This gem derived from animals being tied up and only being able to graze as long as their rope would let them.  

2-The country version of Dancing With the Stars. He was deserted by his partner because he did not memorize the dance and then went solo with a dougie, macerana, robot trifecta. 

3-Originated in the 1900s during a croquet match. Apparently you can win a match of croquet without your opponent going first so it is very important that you are the one who “gets the ball rolling.”   

4-Why am I still reading this? 

 

BONUS: Best Actor Wikipedia Page Award–Alan Powell aka Mason Wyatt- Alan Powell got his start in show business like many of the great actors that came before him. As the front man of a Christian acapella group. The group is named Anthem Lights and shockingly is comprised of graduates of Liberty University. Powell was a member of the group from its creation in 2007 until February 1st, 2017 when his booming acting career became too much and he was forced to leave the band. Initially, the band was not mad because they replaced him with a twelve year old, Spencer Kane(pictured below),that looks like he may live forever.

   

Although Alan’s transition from acapelist to actor is undoubtedly impressive it did leave me with many questions. Why do these guys always look so sad? Does loving Jesus that much hurt? Is this band big enough that he made a public on the exact date of February 1st, 2017? Where did they find this prepubescent crooner? Are Kane’s parents ok with him touring with grown men because they went to the house that Jerry Faldwell built? How can a Christian acapella group possibly exist?

At the surface the last question seems bizarre so let me explain. I was in Nashville recently and attended an acapella concert5. The music was predictably equal parts impressive and repetitive. What was not predictable was the crowd or the sexual energy pulsating throughout the Grand Ole Opry. Almost the entire crowd was comprised of women between the ages of 45-90 and their husbands. These women were not messing around. Not only were the husbands expected to act like they enjoyed the music they were also expected to ignore the catcalling, sweating and sexual excitement that their wives exhibited every time one of the acapelists took the microphone.

I cannot overstate how excited these women were to be there or how it would have made any of their nights to spend it with one of the band members. So how can any man of the Lord, especially one that looks like Alan Powell, resist the temptation of the forbidden fruit? Imagine, you’re in El Paso at the end of the tour, you’re tired, beaten down and your throat hurts. A hoard of attractive women in their mid 40s are inviting you to play strip poker at their house while their husbands watch. How can you turn this down Allan? Are you the Phillip Rivers of acapelists or are you a liar?

Good day!