So it’s Wednesday, or as those sexually active college students like to call it “humpday”. I haven’t had work all week because the county passed on my adamant town hall meeting proposal to put monster truck tires on all school busses to avoid snow day school closings. So here I sit. I got to use my surfboard in the snow (my buttocks is severely bruised, you’re welcome)The Turnpike Troubadours come to town tonight, new episodes of The Ranch are on Netflix, and I even got the trusty vans oil changed!My bank account disagrees, but I feel like I’m having a banner week.
I just hope the marriage assassin Miranda Lambert hasn’t sabotaged the Troubadour’s meteoric rise to the top. First Blake Shelton, now Turnpike Troubadours frontman Evan Felker?! She really has a thing for tall,married country stars with great hair. I will admit, it’s hard to dislike her when we have so much in common!
I’m not too worried though,the band could show up with no instruments and they would still be more entertaining than the injury plagued Redskin’s game against Eli Manning’s corpse this past weekend. On Sunday, the Redskins were massacred in a way that only General Custer could relate to, and he’s dead . The main difference was that instead being defeated at the hands of blood thirsty, mountain bred natives who would do anything to defend their homeland and way of life like Custer was, The Redskins were massacred by a painfully mediocre football team that hails from the hell on Earth known as New York City. I digress.
Hell, it looks like I might even be off tomorrow too so lets take a deep dive into the marriage assassin’s hit list. Good to see ‘PEOPLE” is still in business, as their website provided these deep quotes about love lost:
“I don’t think it was a dramatic split, but he knew what he was ‘allowed’ to do based on her rules and he broke them,” says the source. “He did something that he knew she wasn’t going to approve of, she assumed he did it and he didn’t deny it.”
Color me shocked!!!!! What was he not allowed to do?! Talk to his estranged wife? See other women? No more tour bus orgies? Yeah his wife probably had similar rules, Miranda. I wonder who the source was? Her hairdresser?! Her underpaid back up vocalist? Ever the optimist, Miranda is looking on the bright side of this break up
:“Love is a hard road sometimes and it’s been a roller-coaster ride for me, but I’m definitely thankful for all the ups and downs because I’ve had some really good songs come out of it,” Lambert said to The Tennessean. “You’ve got to take the bad parts and put them on paper and then move on to the happy parts.”
I’m sure Blake Shelton and Felker’s ex wives would agree with this. Love is very hard, even harder when a wily temptress is hitting on their husbands when they are drunk and lonely on the road. Although their respective ex spouses didn’t have the consolation prize of monetizing their heartbreak by writing songs and touring until they find their next victim.
Now it may sound like I’m a Miranda Lambert hater but that is far from the truth. Tin man, vice, heart like mine, famous in a small town, the list of her songs I love is not short.Hell, it is no exaggeration to say that Miranda is an objectively beautiful woman who writes beautiful songs full of poetry like this:
“Well, it’s half past ten, another six-pack in
And I can feel the rumble like the cold black wind
He pulls in the drive, the gravel flies
He don’t know what’s waiting here this time
Yeah, I’m goin’ home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door, and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight, well, now he’s got one
And he ain’t seen me crazy yet”
This is not a woman you want to mess with!!!!!!Who am I to judge?!?! I hope she makes an appearance tonight. She comes down from the rafters, suspended by cables that give her the appearance of a flying bat decked out in black leather to take on yet another one of her estranged lovers face to face. Now that would be worth the price of admission! See you at the show
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