Pour up the egg nog, light the cigar, torch the fireplace, and queue up Bad Santa; it’s time. We are another year older, another year wiser, and a few brain cells lighter from reading Caleb’s texts in the group chat. Most of you are proving your fertility, Bernie is engaged, and some of us are still pissing in the wind (Wanna hang out sometime, Bo?!).
Let’s go from the bottom up, like Chuck’s first Persian lover. The commish has created a beautiful family of four-legged friends and two-legged children but must have gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar on draft night because Cooper Kupp, Joe Mixon, and Charcuterie Board for Seattle are not going to cut it in a league where slippery fingers and back alley deals are everyday occurrences. Case dismissed, It’s a miss trial! Comparison: Sean McVay
Sad, beautiful Travis, where do we even start with you? Your team name? The documented fact that you tried to SELL YOUR PLAYERS after you were the first team eliminated from playoff contention? The fact that you have a happy, healthy, growing family? I will make a snowman with you, but I cannot, in good faith, promise to enjoy it! Comparison: Mac Jones
The firecrotchers struggled from stop-and-start syndrome like my pappy’s old Volvo station wagon. I always wondered why he had a shag carpet in that thing that Grandmommy wasn’t supposed to know about; I digress. Brick, unlike his team, had no lack of commitment as he got down on one knee and did what had to be done! With the River City Skyline in the backdrop, LeeBrich made the woman of his dreams his one and only, forever and ever, Amen! If you want to know what love is, Brick will show you! Hopefully, his team will find their honeymoon stage once more next season, fins up loverboy! Comparison: Richie Incognito
Bo continues to dominate the dating scene in Atlanta while working remotely yet aggressively, but was unable to find fantasy love in Father Greg’s forbidden, dimly lit, damp speed-dating basement this season. Devontae Adams failed to deliver, like a woman who French kisses on the first date but gives an rump-out hug on the second, leaving Bo cold, confused, and behind. There is no question he will rebound, although many of his back-alley dealing with Shat ALbert are being called into question. No one hates taking heat more than Bo, and he is on the record saying he would rather lose a finger than spend a day in an orange jumpsuit. He is not part of the dating scene, he is the dating scene. Comparison:Travis Kelce
Dumpster Fire Bears were a team with limitless sex appeal, potential and talent, much like thier owner who was secretly engaged in a back alley deal of his own! However, questionable moves by their GM led to a middle-of-the-pack finish. His previously mentioned, heavily shrouded-in-mystery mid-season engagement could have caused him to lose focus on his dumpster fire bears. Or perhaps, he simply fooled around and fell in love…more time for the honeymoon I suppose! Comparison: Jon Gruden
Shat Albert narrowly missed the playoffs despite living on the waiver wire and offering trades to everyone he saw walking down the street. The man lives to barter and once even traded one of his front teeth for a PSP. He trades candy to the secretaries at work in exchange for carbonated water! The man could sell the original four loko to a Mormon. However, all of this wheeling and dealing was all for naught, as the Shat Albert’s continually said “Hey Hey Hey, Our Receivers average 7.4 points per game OHHH NOOOO GANG!” End scene. Take a bow! Comparison: Marc Davis
The Hopskins continue their run of almost impressive mediocracy. They never scare you, they never excite you, they never finish last. This team reminds me of the baked potatoes at Wendy’s. Congratulations on tying the knot!!!! Comparison: Matt Lefleur
Jesus is battling it out in the playoffs right now while sorting through countless DMs from women hoping to seduce him sooner rather than later. He is now a father, and his newfound dedication to his craft shows with his heady draft strategy and knack for making deals at the right time. Some say he is thinking of replacing the salsa at his restaurants with ketchup, and after his team’s performance this season, who am I to argue with the man?!?!?Player comparison: Stephon Diggs
Chucks team is named the Detroit Lions perhaps because that is his dream home. “You can buy like a really big house there and its like not alot of money” he once told me. Much to my chagrin, his team was a bit of a juggernaut behind Goff, Ekeler, WIlliams and the man who owns my heart and soul, Antonio Brown. Chuck laughed off my many offers, some physical, some spiritual, to acquire Brown. Some say he loves living with Briar, others say he practices shooting his bow all night and staring at the moon wondering what it is all really about. Depends which news channel you watch. Comparison:Mike Mccarthy
Labats tats were the type of team that takes you out to dinner, makes you feel good and then leaves you with a rash and wrong number. This team had so many close games it felt like they were flirting with half the leagues mothers. This pesky team is on my menu next week and I do not feel good about it. Conor has always had a way with women and one time he stole an elderly mans date to the new years ball. I really hope I am not that old man this year. Comparison: Shahid Khan
Ahhhhhh wow, how about those halftime cigarettes! Named after one of their owners many bad habits, actually I am going to smoke a cigarette right now and think of some truly demented sentences to type upon my return. Well, all I could really think of as I inhaled the sweet smoke of that Cowboy Killer was, I miss the Bad Santa Party, and I would love to take credit for my teams dashing success but instead I will tell you a short story about an autumn evening in which I was on a date and received a text that the draft had started. The air was moist, and the mosquitos were out but were not too pesky, thanks to the fall wind. I passed my phone around to friends and strangers to make each pick as I stared into my dates dreamy eyes. The result was a team that could win it all, or take home absolutely nothing. comparison : Jay Cutler
This reminds me of Bernie’s secret engagement, as He is a man who shares everything or nothing. Alright let’s ash this cigarette with the first place, Afternoon Wooders. Despite their perverted name, this team is a juggernaut. Rumors have run rampant about his cohabitation and his lover’s involvement with is new foud fantasy success, which covers both football and kissing. Whoever is making the moves behind closed doors knows just what buttons to push to satisfy the fantasy gods and perhaps their significant other, as well. Comparison: Dan & Tanya Snyder
I hope to hold the fantasy trophy and your children soon, Halftime Cigarette
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