College Football Crystal Ball
Not a prediction, but a solution.Not a column, but a Manifesto.
Pappy’s Dilemma
In what many are calling “Manifest Destiny 2: The Sequel” The Trojans and Bruins have announced their commitment to the Big 10 conference, with the LongHorns and Sooners to the SEC. This leaves the PAC 12 riding along with Limousine Larry to the dust bowl in ghost town USA, population 68. Tennessee is being fined millions of dollars for paying players while a Clemson DJ gets paid $5 million through the NIL. And look how well he played last year (mediocre on the field and the turntables, I digress).
As we see the NCAA landscape rapidly shifting like tectonic plates rubbing on each other during an earthquake like highschoolers at their first bump n grind dance in front of our very eyes (who else is writing double similes like this? and don’t tell me it’s because they’re grammatically flawed!). We may soon be sitting on a rocking chair, sucking back granddaddy’s cough syrup while telling our children about how there used to be a pacific coast and Atlantic coast conference called the ACC and PAC 10. The youngins will naturally ignore us and instead are sucked further into their hand crafted tablets by the descendants of Genghis Khan as their eyes and brain glaze over like Krispy Kreme when the light is on.
Krispy Kreme may still make fresh doughnuts the old fashioned way, but old fashioned conferences days are done forever due to the large TV deals that these schools and conferences receive from network executives after their 4th IPA at lunch.The threat of not being in the spotlight can ruin your recruiting efforts, athletic program and have a disastrous affect on enrollment, alumni involvement and donations and overall university profitability and growth(Ask VT the affect Vick had on the average GPA/SAT and overall profit/growth of the university). This is the main reason why we are seeing both of these once mighty power 5 conferences dissolve in their twilight like Larry Brown’s coaching career.
So, what the hell should be done? Take a mindful moment to think about our mainstream news. What annoys you the most about our news industry? This should not be a short list.
The sports media is never proactive, they are reactive. Never anticipating what the current landscape may cause the future to look and feel like akin to a bad driver or chess player who never thinks about their next move. So, let’s not be the status quo of sports fans and media,hitchhiking random rides with truckers, hoping not to be taken advantage of by a lonely soldier of the road. Rather, let us be the semi truck drivers of demand pulling on our horn, going above the speed limit and entertaining the lot lizards of the sports industry.
What does the college football consumer want today and what will they want tomorrow?
We wanted larger playoffs. Check. We want better Saturday slates, no more weekends of Alabama playing Mercer and Alabama state with the co-eds all back at their sorority houses by the third quarter of a blowout. We want our awards to actually mean something rather than give the Heisman to the QB of a top 5 team in the country. Maybe some Notre Dame haters or Christian purists want the Catholics to join a conference or make up with the protestants forming a unified christian community. I can give you many reasons why Notre Dame and the Catholics won’t do that but I will save that for another time because I’m a simple man, with simple tastes and well, I don’t mix tequila and milk and neither should you.
In this case, we have to think about who the main problem is here. As usual, the problem is the ones in charge, the NCAA themselves. Similar to private jet owners who bitch and moan about climate change and tell you that your car is the problem, the NCAA oligarchs and almighty dollar are to blame, not the athletes, fans or even coaches.
There is not a figurehead we can put pressure on like Roger Goodell. He doesn’t listen anyways, he just ignores us as his pockets and chest swell during his unlimited flights on the NFL’s private jet.Naturally, we don’t want another rundown, repetitive, Roger.We need a Vince McMahon or a Dana White! An unapologetic,unrelenting badass who understands the sport because he has trained, practiced, and played the sport. Someone who wants to grow the sport while also preserving the sport. We need a former legend that came from a prestige academic institution. Andrew Luck the genius from Stanford, Jerome Bettis from Notre Dame, Calvin Johnson from Georgia Tech, , hell I would take greatest Vanderbilt player of all time Smoking Jay Cutler to lead this role or even THE BOZ!
Vince McMahon is famous for joining all of the regional wrestling leagues together and creating the WWF, which is known now as the newly Saudi Owned WWE.As the naked bongos guy once said, “you got to go backwards in order to go forward.” So, let’s go backwards and declare independence from the NCAA. Then, get a Vince McMahon to join all of the conferences back together like he did with all of the wrestling leagues. The newly formed league would compose of conferences made up of teams in a consolidated regional area. Clemson, and Georgia need to face off every single year. Pittsburgh, Va Tech and West Virginia should also face off like they used to, treating fans to so many memorable Thursday Night Showdowns. Notre Dame should play Ohio State and Michigan every year.Texas vs TCU, Tennessee vs North Carolina and countless other geographically close schools should be a rivalry we should look forward to watching on Thursday Nights. When the team bus crosses that state border, and their head coach announces they are entering enemy territory, those players harden up like Johnny Sins in the cheerleader locker room.
HAVE WE FORGOTTEN GEOGRAPHY?!
HAVE WE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE LOVE?
As Che Guevara said “We have no right to believe in freedom without struggle”. Show us a worthy leader and we will follow him into the depths of hell and the mists of Avalon, simply to make it to a MorganTown Thursday Night. (Which some say is even better than a Louisiana Saturday Night) So grab a pitchfork, It’s time for a revolution, brother.
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