As I put my clothes on after my post workout shower, you better know that I am heading to Publix to look for the best BOGO deals. Buy one get one free organic, “no anti biotics ever” chicken breast on sale? You can bet your ass that I am buying two and saving $5.99 per pound. I search for the heaviest packages with at least 2.18 lbs of chicken.
As I make that right turn from the meat aisle down the dairy and wine section, I spot Hawk Eye wine BOGO deal. You unsure what I’m going to do next? Let me give you some advice and you bet your children’s college savings that I’ll slinging two bottles into my basket so I can capture that $15.99 total savings. Oh! What’s that over my shoulder? BOGO on Kraft shredded cheese? Do I need it? No, I have 5 bags of it already at home but I can’t pass that deal up. Hell, right next to it I see organic milk and organic eggs for the same price as the normal affordable Egg-Land’s Best and Publix generic brands.
I’m almost 27, I try to be more aware of my intake so I can feel healthier. Do I need to buy organic? It does taste better. You know what? There is the possibility that maybe some foxy lady in heels might see me shopping in the organic section and think “look at this mature young bachelor with a basket full of fresh never frozen ingredient. I’m gonna stand next to him, pretend to gaze at whatever he is looking at and hopefully he will be confident enough to say something to me.” Is that unrealistic? Does the tin man have a sheet metal cock? You tell me. Even if it wasn’t, I’m too concerned about my overflowing basket of groceries and now I’m contemplating that I needed a cart… ha this is a daily trip, somewhat of a hobby. Whatever I can’t carry I will get the next day.
As I am bobbing my head and snapping my fingers to the great radio station they play at all grocery stores, I make my way looking for the shortest checkout line or the hottest cashier. I see old lady Barbra working behind cash register #7, that gemstone knows how to make me laugh and I appreciate our small talk. But wait! There’s one more deal I can’t pass by without making a manly decision. In front of the check out line is another BOGO offer on Halloween candy. I pick up the bag of Snickers mini’s, knowing damn well this is for me, not for the kids. I can visualize me opening the freezer grabbing two of these cubes of joy every 15 minutes at the end of the night. I shake my head with disappointment and toss it back as I let out a sigh. Talk about great product placement, but I am not going to let The Man win me over with his never-ending marketing scheme.
This marketing scheme starts right now folks. You buy into the great deals they have on candy, thinking you should stock up on it. The candy never goes away after Halloween. No, it carries all the way through November. Then Thanksgiving hits and most of us already overloaded with sugar from candy, why not clog your ‘arties’ with buttered up bread, mashed potatoes and gravy. Next thing you know it’s Christmas time. Shoving chocolate syrup and peppermint schnapps down your throat at the multiple Christmas parties you go to makes you unaware of how fat you have gotten in the past 10 weeks. And how can you tell, you’re covering your gut with that Dilly Dilly ugly Christmas sweater because you want to let people know that you drink like every other adult. Bro. We get it, you were in a fraternity because you didn’t know how else to make friends in college.
Now its Christmas day, pushing alcohol through your body to get over the hangover from the night before, eating sprinkled frosted Christmas cookies. Grandma we love you for your made from scratch glazed cinnamon twist. As you are lounging back watching NBA and NFL while proclaiming you do not support communist concentration camps, you begin to see the new years resolution ads from planet fitness. Yes, you are being tossed around in a marketing scheme like it’s a late April tornado. Those membership offers will be there all the way through January up to Groundhogs Day. Then chocolate boxes will have BOGO offers all the way through February. There you are again slumped, realizing your gut isn’t ready for beach season and you kept your promise with your New Year’s resolution like a politician. Your dick looks like Adam Schiff, your belly is as big as Jerry Nadler, and your word is as true as Lindsay Graham’s.
Anything else?
Someone gave me candy corn mix the other night, it blended well with the peanuts. That’s a nice alternative. However, if you want to stay away from having a stash of candy at your house, go down to the orphanage, take those kids trick or treating while drinking a couple Rumpelstiltskins. If Adam Sandler can do it, then why can’t you?
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