Well, we have reached a fork in the road. Some of us are getting married, the rest are getting dogs and then there’s Christian. I’m not really sure what most of you are up to on a weekly basis but you must all be busy in big boy land because our group chat (the very life blood of this league) is dryer than Cliff Kingsbury’s artificial Arizona front lawn turf.That wasn’t a manscaping joke. I digress HERE IS THE 2020 fantasy football rundown that no one asked for.
DISCLAIMER: My new hippy girlfriend just fed me a potent tasting brownie so whenever it starts to hit expect this blog to go FULL FRONTAL NUDITY. I digress.
JUDGE JEUDY 12/12 (2-11)– Tough year for yours truly, I blame Michael Thomas and myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m more into the fantasy side than the football aspect. After starting 0-8 my team showed a little mid season fight winning 2 out of 3 in early November and making all of you have nightmares about Judge Jeudy assaulting your nether regions with her gavel, IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE! Sadly, it was just not meant to be. Somebody hold me, its cold dark and wet down here.
Co- Commish BO 4-9– Was he too busy house hunting to be active on the waiver wire? Some say Richard was the one supplying Will fuller with PED’s so they both could turn their disappointing seasons around. Bo was awfully quiet in the group chat this season, which hurt me deeply. I hope one day Bo can love us all again, if he ever really loved us at all.
MAR2D2 5-8– Sweet, sweet defeat for the galaxy’s most beloved robot. All streaks must come to an end, and boy oh boy did Caleb go from king of the castle to peasant farmer boy. From top chef to buss boy, from king of the jungle to lowly ant eater, the list goes on! But Damnit, he still is king of the jeep wave! You either get it or you don’t right Caleb???
AFTERNOON WOOD 5-8 – The man with the best physique in the league also had the best tight end. Sadly, his low body fat percentage and Darren Waller were only enough for a painfully mediocre season. He will be hoping to test some new chemicals in the draft next year on his hunt for sweet redemption as he hopes to turn the Paige on a rough season, at home and on the road!
HOPSKINS 5-8– Yunghoe Koo, Deshaun Watson, Nick Chubb and Justin Jefferson weren’t enough for this country club loving businessman to overcome and abysmal start to the season. If will knows anything its that a bear market doesn’t last forever and that soon water will be the most sought after publicly traded entity on the market. I’d buy a penny stock from you any day, Mr. Hop!
TEAM 83– His team overcame a underwhelming campaign from Zeke to almost make the playoffs but more importantly, chuck was perhaps the MVP of the group chat this season. He put the cherry on top with “Bernard you threw yourself down a flight of stairs to avoid a pop quiz, you are the dumbest person I have ever met” this past Sunday. I mean you just can’t top that kind of friendship!
BIG SMOKEY BEARS– Another group chat MVP candidate. This guy brings it week in and week out. Whether he is fishing, selling cigs or growing out his hair so drunk South Carolina students think he is Morgan Wallen, he just doesn’t do anything halfway. Rodgers, Hunt, Henry, DIGGS and that bad ass kicker from Georgia with the rec specs make up the heart of his talented roster. The king of the dirty south is looking at Caleb’s trophy like it is a pot of delicious chili. PASS THE CRACKERS!!!!!!
KONVICTS– The commish!!!! He has kept our league together through this emotionally charged time. We had league members lose their houses, their spouses and even their children. AND WHO WAS THERE TO PICK THEM UP WHEN THEIR WORLD WAS FALLING APART?!?! The commish. He loves his dog, this league and his fiancée in no particular order. Unlike the commish, his team is not sexy at first glance but despite it not being spicy it is filling. Lots of meat and potatoes and Big Ben LOVES MEAT AND POTATOES!!!!! You’re going to look great on that altar big boy and if you manage your marriage half as well as you manage this league then you don’t even need a prenup.
TAKEMAHOMES TONIGHT 7-6 – OUCH!!!! The commish just edged sweet Jesus out by 2 points in the playoffs but don’t let that distract you from this budding resteuranteur’s impressive season. Despite his beloved falcons ripping his heart out on a weekly basis, he was able to rely on Dalvin Cook, Mahomes, Hopkins and DK for heartache medication. He also was ever present in the group chat, which always perked me up when I was having a rainy day. And that smile!
FIRCROTCHERS 8-5 -There’s no way around it, ohhhh, I just wanna shout it! This construction Icon’s team was straight up sexy. Justin Herbert with his whole “I’m laid back, enjoy my Oregon vibes and San Diego hair” thing and then Travis Kelce with the exact opposite approach but similar results. Can you imagine going on a date with Alvin Kamara? Me too, man, me too. He was silent but deadly in the group chat as he coasted to a very impressive record behind his rookie qb and new girlfriend. Unfortunately, it all came crashing down in the playoffs once again for the red man. Hey man, if the Dodgers can break through and finally win it all then so can you. NOW TAKE ME FOR A RIDE ON YOUR BIG GREEN TRACTOR!
SHAT ALBERT– This big little dog dad enjoys going for long walks around the courtroom and sweet treats! When he isn’t objecting to your honor’s latest tomfoolery, he enjoys a jack browns burger with his soul mate, hanna. He drafted well and just like last year, absolutely dominated the waiver wire. While we are all sleeping, he is on the phone with brooks Snead talking fantasy sleepers, COD cheat codes and the latest strains of ecstasy. He traded Josh Allen to fill a hole on his roster, he is playing chess while I struggle to play checkers! Is he the new Caleb, or was he always Caleb all along? He earned his first round bye but next week shat Albert will be saying HEY! HEY! HEEEEEEEY! I’m sweating bullets and I need a win or my dog will bite my Weiner again!!!!!
Labat’s Tots- How bout the new guy?!?!?! In just his second year, Clew has shown why many teachers tried to sleep with him. He’s cunning, clever and never out of the fight. He will need russ to turn it around and give at least 40 points a week if he hopes to take home the title though.
see you in 2021?
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