Ted has had a rough couple of months. He’s a recently divorced father of 3 who is staring his 50th birthday right in the face and doesn’t like what he sees. Since the divorce, Ted has stopped taking care of himself. He has let himself go and lacks the enthusiasm to shave or eat anything other than Taco Bell. Ted is feeling hopeless and unlovable. He began drinking to kill the sting of heartbreak and budget cuts at his corporation led to him being shit canned.
So here sits Ted, 49, overweight and out of work. He looks awful but this is what catching your wife in bed with your dad will do to a man.Somehow she still had the nerve to tell him it was his fault, just like the time she put their daughters ice cream cake in the fridge instead of the freezer and it melted leading to one of the more bizarre (and messy) candle blowing birthday ceremonies in the history of suburban Seattle. AND GUESS WHO HAD TO CLEAN UP SAID MESS?! Ted.
She was always on his case “Ted, my co-worker said he cuts the grass TWICE a week cause it’s better for the lawn, what the hell is wrong with you?!” “Ted, why do you close your eyes when we make love?!” “Ted, is it even possible for you to have a less attractive body from the belly button down?!” “Ted I saw you talk to my friend Holly at the Christmas Party, why didn’t you just marry her you selfish bastard?! Clearly she’s the one you want!” and finally “Ted!!!! Get out of the chimney you aren’t actually Santa Claus!!!” okay maybe that last one was kind of his fault, but there’s only so much abuse one man can take, his life was basically the book of Job.
Ted wasn’t always miserable.He used to be a happy camper, often with a beer in hand and a smile on his face. He had many friends in school and upon graduating, he tried to do “the right thing” and make his parents proud. He got a high paying, yet unfulfilling, desk job. He dated a girl he met on the bus who had a great job,was beautiful, occasionally interesting and well dressed but she stopped being nice to him after their six month wedding anniversary. (we’ve all been there, am I right fellas?)
The real reason Ted had really given up was that after so many years of playing by the rules, showing up early for work, sacrificing time with his friends and hobbies to be a family man, being faithful to a woman who was cold as ice to him, and enduring his children’s temper tantrums, his life had still gone off the rails.After all that sacrifice and hard work, it still didn’t work.
So Ted was saying “Fuck it”, waking up with an irish coffee and falling asleep with an ambien smoothie complete with a whippit from the whipped cream bottle he had just emptied in one sitting.It was dark.
One morning Ted awoke to ESPN still playing from the night before but he didn’t recognize the morning program. Ted was confused. He had recently gotten to know daytime television like the back of his hand.
What he saw was breath taking. Mike Greenberg sitting in the middle chair, sporting an oddly patchy yet intentional looking 5 o clock shadow, flanked by Jalen Rose to his right wearing a hoodie sweatshirt UNDER HIS BLAZER! and A healthy looking Michelle Beaddle to his left. Perhaps most uplifting of all, Ted Loved taking in the giant windows with a beautiful scene of a New York river in the background. Ted thought the windows must be fake, it must be a green screen but nonetheless it was quite the tv set!
Ted began to feel something he hadn’t felt in months,positivity (with a nice side of libido). The sunlight that streamed through the windows seemed to flow directly into his soul. As he watched “Greeny” (why do I feel like he gave himself that nickname?) babble like he had perhaps put too much adderall in his morning coffee, Jalen Rose making his absurd garb look good and Michelle Beadle…wait a minute!
Ted knew Michelle Beadle from somewhere! His ex-wife had an obsession with this horrible show called “Sister Wives” about this Mormon with bad hair and a worse goatee who was married to 4 women at once! The show followed all the adventures he, his wives and their seemingly endless array of kids got into. A few years ago his wife made him watch the shows reunion and it was hosted by none other than Michelle Beadle. He thought to himself if she can go from hosting reality show reunions to being on a TV set that rivals the Sistine chapel, maybe he too could emerge from the abyss that was his life.
Ted pressed INFO on his remote and found out the name of the show was GET UP! Ted knew he needed to GET UP! Was this show about him? Ted kept watching and even decided to put on a shirt. He started walking on the treadmill. He wanted to be as trim as greeny and half as cool as Jalen. He even did some snooping around and discovered that the windows on set were real. Wow!! He started getting up early to tune in instead of sleeping well into the afternoon.
Next, he hit the unemployment office. He got a job as an adult life guard and started dating a recently graduate co worker who was kind, caring and great at backstroke! She was also well read and even called him her “Teddy Bear”. Life was good. Ted was back. Thanks, GET UP!
No thank you, Ted.
Back Court Press 
