Were you attracted to your grandma?

       Jump in my time machine and picture this: You can barely walk. You’re 2 years old. This is your first memory. You can’t find daddy, your diaper is full, and you start to panic. WHERES MOMMY?! You tip over and accidentally fall down the stairs directly into the electrical closet and end up unattended playing with your feces for hours until your distraught mother finally finds you.  

She starts to yell:

         “Where the HELL have you been? I knew I should’ve stopped reproducing after Luke! I hope you like that poop you idiot!!!” And so on and so forth. 

      So you’re sitting in timeout all alone and feeling pretty crummy about yourself. You’re thinking about how bad of a son you are, how you can’t compare to your brother lovely Lukey, your failure to grasp the whole human waste not being recyclable thing and perhaps worst of all the Iraq war is really starting to bum you out.

        Then walks in a wonderful grandma by the name of Betty Lou. She forklifts your nasty butt right onto her warm, cushiony lap. Even after just 2 short years on this earth, I was positive nothing was more comfortable than my friend victors laZy boy sofa (he’s rich)but on that day I found something far more cozy.

      Betty Lou doesn’t look at you with scorn in her eyes like your disappointed aunts, she looks at you with big green eyes that exude love. She says “here boy take this. It’s the same color and taste way better than what was in your diaper. It’s called Hershey’s, damn near got me and your grandpa jimmy through the depression”.

I really miss my grandma