Jon Gruden’s Sharknado

       Here I sit, watching planet earth in my lake house on a sultry late summer sunday evening. No girls will talk to me, including my mother. So I watch Scientists throw out a large black rubber doll that looks like a seal and drag it behind a boat. Then BOOM! A big ol greaty flies above the surface. Time after time, again and again, the shark attack’s the floating seal. The scientists know damn well that ain’t no seal, it’s a rubber decoy.

     The media is the great white shark on that episode of planet earth. Looking for an easy kill except the great white can’t get no satisfaction and is getting the aquatic equivalent of the blue balls.(It always seemed odd to me that McJagger wrote a song about not being satisfied, that dude hasn’t had blue balls since he first shook Keith Richards “hand”.)John Gruden and the raiders are the marine scientists. They throw out decoys to the media to redirect their attention to an illogical situation.Life is just one big hunt and you better hope you have a nice bow.

      John gruden has worked in the media, he has swam with the sharks. He knows how the intimidating beast works. He knows how to run a team and understands that certain headlines can create skull splitting,life sucking headaches. Million dollar headaches.So he distracts the intimidating beast away from his nest and cubs to avoid the real headaches. He’s protecting his young players and himself.

      Just picture Jon Gruden talking to a shark “Oh okay, big boy, you want some food don’t ya?Ok i’ll tell you what. I’ll feed ya derek carr but don’t think about even tasting Hunter Renfrow! What do you think about that mr shark? Take a bite of Derek before I change my mind! Get in his ass! KNOCK ON WATER IF YOU”RE WITH ME!!!!” *jumps into shark tank and tries to put Raiders jersey on great white*

      You think gruden wants to answer the same question everyday about the condition of Antonio browns feet 1832471 times? He’s not Rex Ryan. He is a football psychopath with an agenda,not a subjective medical professional. He is uncertain about AB’s recovery timeline. So he distract’s the intimidating beast by telling Antonio brown to rest up and pretend he’s not playing because he doesn’t like the helmet he is required to wear. The last episode on hard knocks AB tells Gruden his feet are burning a little, essentially he needs to rest his feet. His dogs are barking, if you will. When he needs rest don’t tell the media he’s hurting, tell them he doesn’t like the helmet he’s wearing. The media eats that plastic seal up all day without any satisfaction.

     So there he sits, like the mad scientist he is, and watches the fools on network television talk circles around AB’s feet and head. He has them perfectly distracted just like the scientist on the boat with their plastic seal. SHARKS, MAN!!!