We have stumbled upon a recording of an exclusive group of Warriors eating dinner the night before Game 5 in Toronto. We have decided to leak it because we’re not that great of people and we are really tired of the Warriors. Sue us! We don’t have shit!
The following transcript could not be more accurate. Read at your own peril.
KD: I’m so excited for dinner guys! This is my favorite restaurant. I love to take pictures of when the chef does the little onion dragons.
DeMarcus: We fucking know Kevin! If we ever want to see you outside of the gym it’s gotta be at fucking this place! I mean, don’t get me wrong it’s a great chain restaurant. When I was at Kentucky and we got taken here by boosters I wasn’t complaining but we’re all fucking rich now. I can’t eat any more yum yum sauce. It gives me bubble guts!
KD: I’m sorry DeMarcus. I just love this place. I have to admit sometimes when I’m sulking about things some guy in his basement in Utah said about me online I wear a Kimono. It makes me feel like an internet warrior. Kiaa!
Klay: Yo, Kev, you a real weird dude man. I’m hungry as a bitch so shit’s straight but you’re a bizarre cat.
Steph: Psshhhhhh, yall willin. Y’all think Russell Wilson is dope right? That’s my mans.
DeMarcus: the fuck?
KD: Guys, come on. Calm down. It’s poor etiquette why the chef is unnecessarily banging his utensils on the cooking surface. This guy’s good. I had him in 2014. Steven Adams and I. He farts so much but he’s a good time. Anyways, why did you guys ask me to dinner? You know Toronto is one of my favorite places to take pictures.
DeMarcus: Well, we wanted to ask…
Klay: Yo, it’s like
Steph: Pshhhhh like haha
Draymond: Are you going to fucking play tomorrow or not? I mean, I know I swore I’d never say this again but you’re being a bitch again. There I said it! You’re being a little bitch!
Klay: Yo, Dray, come on! You know the man gets in his feels.
Draymond: I mean, I’m tired of this waiting bullshit. And you know I can’t stand Benihana! The dude makes food for like 3 minutes and then you have like a 5 minute meal and then we just all stare at each other. It seems like a lot of food but it’s a mirage. So like I said, are you playing or not?
KD: I don’t think so guys. I would not be myself. Plus, the trainer said there’s a small chance I could tear my Achilles and as you guys know big Kev is due for a payday.
Draymond: So you’re going to let a loss in the finals be the last chapter in our legacy because there is a small chance you might get injured? I told you he was soft! I told all of yall mother…
DeMarcus: Yo Dre! Chill with that shit! So he’s a little soft? He’s a great guy and got you a couple rings. Let the man breathe.
Klay: Truth. We all love him even when he’s having twitter wars with teenagers with an alias and shit. Kevin’s straight class. Remember that time in Detroit when it was 8 degrees and he drove out and got you Taco Bell when you were too faded?
Steph: Pshhhh yo, remember that time when he distracted that fan in the parking lot in LA so you could make your date with Jelissa? She might have left you if you were late one more time at that point?
DeMarcus: Remember that time we balled out and came back without KD and won the title! He’ll be the first guy to congratulate us when we win that shit!
Draymond: You guys are right. I love you Kevin and I’ll always love you whether you decide to play or not.
Kevin: You guys are the best! You’re right Draymond. I owe it to the team to give it a go. What could possibly go wrong?
Sleep tight
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