BERNIES BEATS 

I like big women, some things never change. Kind of like Giants fans complaining about Eli manning/how their ownership doesn’t have a plan. Redskins fans contemplating becoming ravens or panthers fans as they find out Dan Snyder is leading the charge in the war room. Philly fans are still celebrating their super bowl win from a decade ago, and the whole damn league is making fun of the cowboys. NFC East struggles while the Yin of this Yang of the NFL, AFC East, has it all figured out. Bill Belicheck is king even if Robert Kraft’s sex tape is released. Its that time of year again and I was begged to write another annual blog about the NFL Draft (editors note:no one has ever begged bernie to do anything except put his pants back on). So here are my ten commandments to drafting the World’s Best Team.

 

 

1.      Get a Vince Vaughn in your corner

First and foremost, you need a guy like Vince Vaughn in Swingers in your corner. You need him chirping over your shoulder saying “pick him, he’s money” and “trade that pick and for two more later round picks, double down everyone knows you gotta double down.” Your side kick will help you get build the WBT.

2.      Start Early, you make more sense to yourself when your drunk.

Every great decision in human history always started out as a hidden idea in an individual’s mind and/or genitals. That idea only comes out when you get a little saucy, and that idea is executed after a 3 minute aggressive walk and talk. Don’t get blacked out before the your pick like Dan Snyder, but you should be sparking up a Rocky Patel and opening up a new bottle of Angel’s Envy when the Commish says the Arizona Cards are on the clock. Turn on some CCR and Waylon Jennings pandora radio, start pacing around the war room throwing darts at the wall, send dick picks to your divisional rivals and continue to talk to yourself when your refilling your coffee mug with top shelf bourbon. As Coach Ditka once stated, “WINNERS DRINK IT NEAT!”

3.      Do not prioritize positions, prioritize players

Like I said in the prelude, this is a business, and players are either amazon stocks or blockbuster stocks. You may need a QB and a couple offensive weapons, but if you have a stud guard or defensive player, then be different and have a stacked defense and offensive line. Great players make okay players look good. If you can make a young bull look better than he really is in his first two seasons of the NFL, you trade him with a couple draft picks to a team for that veteran QB you need. Invest in suede. It’s a luxury fabric.

4.      Pick players who stood out in primetime Saturday night games

Speaking of winners, if you can show up and make plays when it matters, you can play in the NFL. This is common sense. Do I need to explain this anymore? Do you not understand this stance? Do you want another juice box? Don’t you have to clean up your room before your mom gets home?

5.      Personality sells

What did I say in the prelude? This is a business, and you need to sell jerseys and you need to put asses in seats. Questioning a player because he grabbed his crotch while talking trash to a no namer, then pass on him because we all know you don’t have the mindset to be a winner. Every team needs some mean competitive attitude, and local fans eat that shit up like a Cincinnati house wife in the sky line chili drive thru. 

6.      Nicknames sell

Do you know Dwayne Haskins’ nickname? 

 

SIMBA….  

Every fan loves a player with a nickname, even if they are garbage like Sexy Rexy. Rex Grossman sucks, but I will tell you one thing, middle aged women want to smack his fanny. We all know sex sells, and increasing sales is good for business. 

 

7.      There’s no prototype

You’re tired of Vince dancing on the table yelling “I’m the asshole!” The cigar is about to burn past the label, and Bob Seger’s turn the page is on the radio. As you look at your slow burning cigar, you remember what his former coaches said. Coach Bill Belicheck talks about a players measurables, and a player’s immeasurables. Immeasurables are football IQ, leadership, competitiveness, toughness, and all the characteristics that describe perseverance. We are talking about your Drew Brees, Brett Farves and Russel Wilsons. Mel Kiper sucks, go with your gut feeling you drunk bastard.   

8.      There’s a prototype

There are traditional prototypes like offensive lineman, and there are new school prototypes like slot receivers and outside pass rushers. But you already know this because Vince Vaughn was first team all-state, and he’s given the whole down low on which small quick wideouts that can execute a red 7 perfectly. Daiquiri time.

9.      Play favorites

If you like Notre Dame tight ends, pick Notre Dame tight ends. If you like Nick Saban players, then roll tide and pick some Alabama Kush players. If you think Harbaugh is a bad coach, then call his players and tell them they are overrated. Follow the trends, it’s like children, your Charlie boy is your mini-me and wants to fish all the time with you, then ditch work, take him out of school and hit the stream so you can avoid your spoiled annoying bratty daughter Janice. Avoid bad situations and place yourself in a happy place.

10.   It’s in the game, understand the politics.

If you have a chance to screw over your divisional rival, the team you face twice a year, then you swipe the leg and punch them in the dick. Next to the bathroom? Give them a warm swirly. If they need a more inside presence on defense, then you take that option away from them. Then you take that player and you trade him to another team outside of your conference. After the trade is finalized, show your rival the nudes you get from his wife. Extinguish your enemies fire by taking away their oxygen. This is a contact sport played in a gauntlet, if you see them coming across the middle, tell the EMS team to get the stretcher ready.   

Bernie

-and remember, I’m an expert..