Bernies Beats: Divorce and Departure from Oakland or a Coarse Rapture? It’s a Revelation!
Dust off your favorite leather bound bible, and turn to the book of Gruden. There you will find stories telling us that his resurrection as NFL coach has gone through a rough “genesis” if you will. Twitter has been crucifying Jon Gruden, saying he’s smoking crack, he has the same barber as Mark Davis, he doesn’t remove his visor when he goes to church, you know just the usual nonsense.
Look at Oakland’s decision making in 2018. First, Gruden has the nerve to publicly say he needs a pass rusher AFTER he traded perhaps the best rusher in the league, Khalil Mack,to the Chicago Bears for draft picks. Then he trades top receiver Amari Cooper to the Dallas Cowboys for another 1st round pick. To make matters even worse for Oakland fans, Raiders sign Peter Pan Peterman.
But after the Peterman signing, it hit me. It hit me like a mack truck taking on a deer in the headlights on 88 in Oklahoma city.I suddenly could fully understand what the Oakland Raiders were doing. I saw Gruden’s plan as vividly as I can see my neighbor spying on me through the window during my romantic adventures. They are trying to become the Las Vegas Raiders, for Pete’s sake! The Raiders ownership is removing themselves from a fan base that doesn’t seem to be the most reasonable or sympathetic. If Jon Gruden brought his team to the playoffs during his first year, do you think Darth Vader wearing a Marshawn Lynch jersey is going to forgive that organization for leaving Oakland? Hell no, that’s the guy who’s going to be banned from attending 49ers games because San Francisco’s diverse and accepting culture will be somehow offended by his violent appearance.
What is essentially happening is we are witnessing a divorce between a gold digger and 75-year-old man. The old geezer is playing it off as if he is broke, however what he is doing is selling all his assets and allocating his investments while his Instagram model ex wife foolishly accepts his small divorce settlement, packs her bags without even asking for another dime because she thinks he’s going broke, and happily heads to South Beach for an erotic weekend with Derek Jeter (yeahhhhh Jeets!). That instagram model never would’ve let the geezer die in peace if she thought he could continue to sponsor her trips to Tahiti to see her yoga instructor lover who satisfies her in ways the old geezer has only read about in gossip magazines while waiting for her at the hair salon.
The Oakland Raiders are tanking so fanatics can let the go of the Raiders somewhat peacefully. It’s a divorce folks!
You don’t go through a divorce when you still love your wife. You get a divorce when you hate her guts so much that you don’t even care if the local drunk swerves into her on his moped. You wish your ex-partner goes off the deep end and she looks back to see you having a better life with a Megan Kelly, or Tamara Ecclestone. That’s what the Jon Gruden wants.
It’s much easier to be happy about your wife leaving when she was constantly criticizing you, never helped around the house, stopped sleeping with you years ago and was always making “lets get it on” eyes at your boss. You’re happy that she’s gone! But if your wife had kept her rocking body 20 years into the marriage, was always giving you foot rubs with happy endings, loved making you coffee and lasagna, was a great mother and was supportive and caring, you would be beside yourself if she decided to leave your sorry ass! The Raiders don’t need Oakland fans to be zealous. They needed to make this transition as smooth as a James Taylor song.
Jon Gruden is a genius, he wants to talk football and not answer sympathetic questions from some prick working for ESPN or the Washington Post. He’s a backcourtpress type of man. More importantly, he knows the mainstream media holds a moral compass and will judge you like the almighty. So, the last thing Mark Davis wants is some negative PR ruining his morning Corona-Ritas.
The wise know this. The wise know Gruden craves more salary space, more draft picks, and more freedom to create a team that fits to his system. He wants grinders,he wants the guys who want to fight for every inch because they have a “up yours and kiss my ass” attitude. He knows how to build a smash mouth Super Bowl team. The Oakland Raiders wanted him to Dutch oven their own lover to the point the lover wants a divorce. When you start new, you need to break away from your old habits and create a new brand. The Raiders are trading in their lame Juul Pods for a fresh pack of Cowboy Killers.One of Gruden’s requirements as the new HC of the Raiders is to LOSE local fan support because it would be a Hurricane Florence level PR nightmare if the Raiders were a hot playoff team with an exciting young core as they leave their Oakland fans in the dust. It’s a separation from Sheryl Crow and Joan Jett. Gruden has contained a fire, and I’m sad to point out that this is the only contained California wild fire ever recorded in history. And remember, I’m an expert.
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