Welcome to the 2018 fantasy football season. I know no one on this Earth besides the people in the league and possibly Colton’s mom will find this remotely interesting so if you somehow stumble upon this article I apologize! P.S. we can’t let Caleb win again, we just can’t!
Well boys, there’s no more Jay Cutler in the NFL, but life goes on and we have to do our best to be strong, no matter how hard that may be.Every cloud has a silver lining and the silver lining to Jay’s retirement is his Emmy worthy performance portraying himself on his wife’s budding reality show. As his career as a footballer withers, his acting/hunting career blossoms. The circle of life. If I could switch lives with anyone, it would probably be him. He’s 35, never has to work another day in his life, his wife is hot/also rich, and all he does is sit around and hunt on his farm near Nashville. Although Jay doesn’t strike me as the type of guy who loves going out to eat or anything so he probably doesn’t really immerse himself into the Nashville scene like he did when he was throwing back cocktails during his enrollment at Vandy. Holy digression.
The Konvict’s– shout out to the commish for coming through in the eleventh hour to solve my draft day crisis.He is one hell of a commissioner, but his selection of Cooper Cup left me wondering if he changed the rules to allot extra points to players with catchy names. I hear he is buying and selling real estate at a blistering pace so I expect him to make plenty of trades throughout the season. He also has front row tickets to the Minnesota Cousin’s experiment. If Antonio Brown played soccer, he would of had a very similar playing style to Colt back in high school. How about that Pullisic fellow? He’s really something.
MAR2D2-The defending champion.Caleb’s social media game has been taken to a new level by his new erotic lover. They post the best pictures of any couple out there and I can’t even think of a close second.Pure honesty.I feel like him and his TE Travis Kelce actually have a lot in common with their wild outfits and all. While his girlfriend doesn’t let him play much defense, his selection of the Jaguars defense is sure to pay off as they are as reliable as his Jeep or his kicker Justin Tucker.A little shaky at the top, but you have to respect a man who drafts the number one kicker and defense and also enjoys sharing highly aggressive PDA. Never change, you crazy son of a bitch!
Team Taco-It’s kind of ironic for a guy who is named Jesus to draft a team of guys he would like to share a joint with, but that’s what it seems like Mr.Garcia has done this season. Well maybe not but I would love to hear Todd Gurley and Matt Ryan have a conversation. Matt Ryan hasn’t been the same since Kyle Shanahan left him cold and alone, but Marcus Marriota is a solid insurance policy, which hopefully his friends back in Hawaii also have as this storm approaches. His tweets have been steadily improving and he is still worshipped by everyone in the town of Norfolk so fantasy football is just icing on his cake. Jesus!
Squints Forever-Last time I wrote one of these I said something about wedding bells.The first one to take the plunge! Come on in the waters fiiiiiine. Bo took a break from wedding planning and making deadlines as a sports guru to draft Jimmy Garoppolo (although I think Meredith may have made this pick because the man is about as handsome as prize mule at a Texas state fair. They share everything now. It’s not 50% 50%, its 100% 100%)His pick of the ancient Robbie Gould as his kicker has me wondering if their first dance will be to an oldie? Maybe endless love? I’m putting my money on Jason Mraz.
Team Hopskins- I mean I like Wil but I’m not sure I can honestly say I really respect him as a person after he chose to draft Alex Smith and Blake Bortles as his quarterbacks. I mean I understand if those are two guys you would like wear chubbies and drink beer with, but your fantasy may turn into a horror film if those two fall into their old naughty habits. His running backs are the stars of the show and what a show it is, with McCaffrey and David Johnson turning all sorts of tricks in the backfield. I can picture Wil smiling from ear to ear as he watches David Johnson score another touchdown from his party table at Home Team Grill surrounded by Hampden Sydney alumni,Ice cold sweetwater and girls who grew up with a “shopping allowance”. Lets dance!
The Firecrotchers- Brick has a dependable truck, as well as a dependable kicker. He’s been crying himself to sleep lately because Le’veon Bell won’t return his phone calls. He wonders what he did wrong. He’s just a man searching for answers.A man with a truck, driving down the road looking out the window, wondering when Le’veon will come home.He just wants a hug, he just wants to understand, he just wants to love.
Shat Albert-Hey,hey, hey it’s Shat Albert! Matthew Stafford,Josh Gordon, Leonard Fournette look to be the legal counsel Shat Albert hopes to bail out the rest of his spotty roster.I object, your honor! As he enters the last year of law school and also falls in love, it is fair to question how much time he will have to dedicate to Fantasy Football. He is an underdog, but that has never stopped the wily Lebanese veteran before. Be on the lookout for Shat Albert to continue his meteoric rise to the top tier of the Richmond societal ladder. Hell of a view from the top, shat bastard!
Team Afternoon-the man has a new apartment in the fan,a bed made of plywood shipping pallets, and a budding career as a pet whisperer. When he’s not testing soil for harmful chemicals, he can be found hanging out with his girlfriend or perusing CVS for new snacks and cool electronics. He hopes Russell Wilson and Julio Jones can make a love connection and Lesean Mccoy continues to outrun father time. His recent viewing of Wolf of Wall Street prompted his risky investment into Dez Bryant, as he hopes it pays off to help his team make a late season push towards Fantasy Football Glory!!!!!!!
Team 83-not sure where his team name came from but I kinda dig it. Chuck is busy packing lips in Va Beach, selling medical equipment(which ranges from prosthetic toe nails to butt implant machines), and catching some massive fish. He is improving as both a salesman and a fisherman but on the decline as a dancer.His team may not have depth, but his starters are somewhat intimidating. I’m guessing he drafted Tom Brady because he likes to think he is a Tom Brady, but we know he’s more of a Colt Bennett. Keep on chuckin and fishin, 83.
Team Chef-Cam Newton, Kareem Hunt,OBJ, dear barbara!We all better hope Sammy Watkins continues to be a bust because this chef could be close to having a perfect recipe if not! He is a man with integrity so I expect him to use his free agent bidding points very wisely. I think the last place finisher should have to face the chef in a cage match. Brick will be the ref and I will be the color commentator with Bo on play by play.
Big Smoky Bears- Not surprisingly, Christian has a full office set up in his house. A whiteboard, a calendar, a nice desk , leather chair, TV that always seems to be playing Fox News, fishing or gold and even a secretary. On that board he has his goals for 2018 they were listed as :1) Make smoking cool again 2)Win fantasy football 3) Become Seth’s very best friend 4) Earn my father and Banta’s respect 5) Beat Andrew in a drinking/wrestling match 6)Limit my bacon intake to under 5 pounds a day 6) Finally get doctor to check out my injured penis. This is a man going places, this is Mark Cuban, Ric Flair and Seth Rogen combined. This is the fucking Nard Dog. He will buy your bitch. He’s also been hooking up with a kick boxing instructor so I better stop here before he round houses my ass..
The Fertility Project- Seems like the only thing this guy likes more than switching jobs is risky draft picks. Jarvis Landry, Saquan Barkley, Andrew Luck, Gronk. Marshawn Lynch all have high ceilings but very low floors. It’s like building your house on the beach front. It could be the best decision you ever made or your wife could start sleeping with the lifeguards and a hurricane could destroy your house. This team is like a Charlie Sheen bender, it could end up anywhere. The playoffs, last place it’s all on the board. At the end of the day, I think Sam Darnold is a great, quarterback and an even better guy. He will be a great father one day and I really hope me and him become buddies. Just imagine drinking caronas on the beach with sam darnold throwing the frizz around, maybe a little corn hole,body surfing back to the house for some healthy yet filling burritos..
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