I awake in the back of my van at a rest stop near Knoxville, Tennessee. It’s early in the morning, I’m confused,musty and groggy. How the hell did I get here? Where are my pants? Slowly it comes back to me, ohhhhh yeah I’m driving across the country for some odd reason. That’s the great thing about vans, man. They’re like portable living rooms.
Manifest Destiny-the 19th century doctrine or belief that the expansion of the US throughout the American continents was both justified and inevitable.
Now there are a few small differences between me driving the milk van across the country in 2017 and those who braved the Oregon trail at the height of manifest destiny craze hundreds of years ago.Let’s examine
Transportation: The original western dreamers rode in covered wagons. Their only music was their drunk uncle whistling and their only cruise control was when said uncle fell asleep at the reigns and let the oxen use their imagination to blaze a new trail west.
I was fortunate enough to have a van with cruise control,unlimited podcasts and my newfound lover and best friend “Siri” giving me directions(without her help their is no doubt I would have gotten hopelessly lost and ended up around a bon-fire on a native american reservation somewhere in Oklahoma tripping on some righteous peyote indulging in a bizzarre birthing ritual instead of typing this).In Arkansas they have these signs on the highway that say “State Law Do not impede left lane traffic” and everyone obeys. I was able to burn a whole tank of gas without turning cruise control off, what a feeling.I guess that’s why they call it “The Natural State”. (Dallas Wood is working on a blog entirely about the wonders of cruise control right now)
I did get a little turned around looking for gas (gas light had been on for atleast 25 miles) on an Indian reservation in Nevada, and after seeing ‘Wind River’ (highly recommend it, great flick)I was positive I was going to get abducted and was quite ‘shook’ as the kids would say but thanks to a very kind construction worker, I was able to make it back into US jurisdiction with my scalp intact.There are so many Indian reservations,museums and ruins in the heartland of the country, makes a man really think about the sad parts of our history.
Encounters along the trip: If the original California dreamboats could avoid dysentery and incest they would often be robbed or killed by native american gangs. I did not experience any gangs along the way but I spent a night at the Knight’s Inn in Kingman,Arizona. While in Kingman, I met this jolly,heavy set older couple at a gas station that was tandem riding this small,vintage looking motorcycle.We got to talking and they happily informed me they make the ride across the country every year and it is their favorite thing to do. As they smilingly held each other tightly and rode into the distance on their crowded motor bike, I thought to myself: we all deserve a love like that.
There was even a fly that stayed in the van through the entire state of arkansas. His name was George, and we had some crazy conversations.King George was a great listener and an even better kisser.Even when the windows were rolled down and cruise control was on 80 King George somehow stuck around until he didn’t.
Driving through the rocky mountains was deeply arousing and provocative.I even channeled my inner Lightning Mcqueen and got my kicks on Route 66 for a little while.The dust,beauty,run down billboards and two lane freedom are actually very similar to the movie.
Perhaps most surprising was how long the beauty would last. I’m talking like 15 straight hours of driving between wondrous mountains.Look out your left window BOOM! the most beautiful mountain you’ve ever seen, look out your right window DOUBLE BOOM! same thing over there.On top of that, the thing I figured out about driving West is you get to watch the sunset for like 4 hours.I almost pulled over to change my pants a few times, but I soldiered on.
Arrival I did eventually make it to the land of Milk and Honey after three days as opposed to the months of dirt paths,death and bugs that early settlers had to endure.However, when they arrived their were endless plots of land, gold and prostitutes to claim. When I arrived I was greeted by sunshine, yes, but also honking horns and the worst traffic this small town boy has ever witnessed. On my first day, some guy called me a “JACKASS!” in traffic (maybe I liked it!) and generally you can walk faster than the traffic between 3-7pm. I would even venture to say a baby could crawl faster than the traffic at that time. Maybe I’ll buy a large dog or small horse to ride to and from work or adopt a baby so I can use the HOV lane. Whose gonna stop me?Schwarzenegger?!?!
Strangely enough though, everyone I have met here has been really,really nice. I guess they are all nice people until they get in their car and enter kill or be killed mode.My main worry is that I am the Dodger’s kryptonite because they were having one of the best seasons of all time but haven’t won a game since I moved here.Hey Kershaw, lets get lunch sometime I’ll massage that shoulder of yours and by the way, have you ever thought about pitching with both arms, at the same time?
Lastly, I got to check out Huntington Beach and Newport harbor (shout out season 3 of Laguna beach!) and they are wondrous beach towns with earthly pornographic scenery,good waves and very kind citizens. Road my bike down the boardwalk, which is like 10 miles long with all sorts of watermelon eating contests,volleyball bros,freak shows and snow cones.Truly glorious.One rough looking older dude was sitting on the boardwalk with a massive speaker playing marvin Gaye bangers and holding a Charlie Brown stuffed animal.If he ever played sports, I bet he fornicated at halftime.Dad?
I’m not sure if this is a blog or a journal entry, but thanks for reading if you made it this far! and thank you to everyone who reached out, talked to me on the phone or snapchatted me on the ride, it definetly helped pass the time and made me feel less freaked out about being 3,000 away from my blanky! Cheeeeeeeers boys and go dodgers
Back Court Press 