LOD’s Hello Goodbye?

Editors Note: LOD is one of the BCP’s most polarizing treasures.He is the chocolate fondu at the end of our savory literary buffet line.Forever marching to the beat of his own drummer, LOD ditched the traditional school backpack and instead opted to use a briefcase to carry his books at the young age of 10. Since then, LOD blossomed into a sexually independent division one soccer starlet who oozed self control, was known for sleeping on the soccer field in the nude and drinking chocolate milk at parties. He now spends his time molding the minds of America’s youth and watching music videos in his spare time. I present without explanation:LOD’s hello goodbye!

Have you ever walked outside and really looked at the sun? I mean REALLY looked at it? WELL HAVE YOU, YOU INCONSIDERATE BASTARD? Thank you for answering my question. Of course your answer is no, if that was not the case than you would be blind from unwise sun exposure and could not be reading this. Let me ask you another question, have you ever run down the street wearing an American Flag top hat while carrying a ten foot flag pole to which was attached a 15 foot flag? No, you haven’t? Well, I have, it was but a few short weeks ago on a soft, moist and tender summer day and let me tell you while I ran up and down the median of this city street waving this American flag, wearing my American top hat, possibly with no shirt on, just one question raced through my brain, “Why is no one out here to witness this great moment, where has everyone gone?” That’s a question of course for a different answer that really belongs to a different time than our own and therefore will not be answered here.

You might be asking yourself while you read that first paragraph, “what did I just read?” or even “would I rather own a toaster or a toaster oven?” and I can’t blame you for asking either of those things. What I could blame you for thinking though is, “I would like to order a sandwich from a deli and not go and pick it up.” or “I would like to engage in an extramarital affair.” Now I could blame you for that because those acts are, at their base, immoral so yes I could ,and in fact I do, blame you but lets get back to the things I can’t blame you for. I can’t blame you for thinking I wish I would have put a juicy tomato on my sandwich when I packed my lunch this morning, and I definitely can’t blame you for wishing your profile on CatholicMatch.com got more hits. No I can’t blame you for those things.

Have you ever gone to a bar or pool hall and just danced, I mean really just danced, like JUST danced? Not talked to anyone, not known anyone who is there, not even ordered a drink but just danced for a while and left.

Now a short story. Every Tuesday I go to this deli and I order a turkey sandwhich because its Turkey Tuesday which means that the sandwiches are half off, which means six dollar sandwiches. A six dollar sandwich, I mean can you believe it? Six dollars for Turkey, cheese and all the fixins! Also, once a month they  have a rock, paper, scissors tournament while at the same time a magician goes around to all the tables and performs for people while they eat their “Lincoln and Washington subs with all the toppings freedom has to offer.”I never seem to make it past the quarterfinals of the tournament and end up just having to watch the final couple rounds, which is fine by me, because I haven’t usually finished my “6 bones, 8 inch long piece of “how do you do” While I finish that, I also wait for the magician to make his way over.

One particular night he handed me his card, which said he specialized in “Sophisticated Slight of Hand” and I wondered to myself, “What the hell does that mean? Does he mean he is a racist who only performs for whites and Hebrews because he thinks they are the only sophisticated ones? Does it mean he won’t perform for you unless you have a solid 401k and meet with Edward Jones weekly Or does it mean that there is a group of magicians he considers unsophisticated and he looks down on them for their hands being so common and salt of the earth?” I wondered which of those possible options could be true and also wondered would it be worse to be racist against African Americans or magicionist against other magicians?

These questions raced through my head while I smiled and nodded and possible even giggled when he pulled plate sized quarters from under my armpits and behind my ears. Then he did something that was truly, truly amazing. He performed his last trick and as he wrapped up his act, he came around behind me, massaged my shoulders firmly with both of his, wet, calloused, hands and whispered in my ear, “It’s worse to be racist against African Americans pretty boy.” That my friends was the greatest trick and lesson of them all.

LOD