I yearn for the days when voicemails filled answering machines like corn filling a silo.Leave a message after the beep, you say? Don’t mind if I do, robot voice lady!I love in movies when people walk into their kitchen, hit play on that magical answering machine, pop open a beer and listen to their messages and react with intense facial expressions and clever aside comments(I’m looking at you, Ruben Pheffer!).Unfortunately, it seems that the modern man and woman have no time for voicemails. Maybe they take too long? Maybe they’re too personal?Maybe they would rather settle for the impersonal post office killer that is widely known as “the text message”.I’m not sure exactly why, but voicemails seem to have gone the way of the dinosaur.So I’ve decided to dedicate my life to resurrecting them.Where would we be without voicemails?!?!The revolutionary war certainly wouldn’t of happened without them. We would probably all be speaking in brail if the voicemail machine didn’t revolutionize human existence. So in the interest of respecting the heritage of the voicemail, here are 4 of my favorite voicemail moments from human history #savethevoicemail
- Frank the Tank’s voicemail for his estranged new wife-What a scene! Just an all time boy’s boy cruising the streets with the windows down, trying his best to obey society as it forcefully tells him to grow up (I feel like this relates to me in some way, I just can’t put my finger on exactly how) with the melancholy banger (yes those exist) “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”emanating from his car stereo. What an underrated sound track Old School has.Also notice the touch he and his wife put on their answering machine. A nice warm and inviting “Hi it’s Marisa, AND FRANK!” none of this robot lady saying “your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system…”
Voicemails are for people who care!
3.John Favreau’s voicemail meltdown in Swingers/Scott Van Pelt’s dewey beach pick up voicemail– My mother tends to say that the dating world is much more complicated these days with technology and all that other rubbish but man oh man I just don’t know mama!(maybe its just makes her feel better about none of her six children reproducing yet)I digress!Nowadays if someone doesn’t answer your calls, the popular option seems to be to just berate them with texts messages until they respond (I learned this from studying dysfunctional relationships from afar for 4 years, also known as college). I can’t imagine the pressure that comes with trying to entice a potential romantic interest in a 15 second voicemail with no plan B and then waiting for them to maybe call you back. WHAT SUSPENSE! That’s a dangerous dance.So I’ll apply my usual dancing strategy and let my partner take the lead while I hop around like someone who has had too much meth and is trying to play charades.It’s not that I don’t want to give you a grandchild mother, but karma has probably sterilized me for over using the word fertile and I can’t make it past five minutes talking to a potential mating partner without telling a joke that would land me in a straight jacket if the right therapist was within earshot. WHO COULD LOVE SUCH A MONSTER?!
Voicemails are for the fearless.
- Wedding Crashers-Hello this is John, ahhh whatever– Now this is a voicemail greeting. True story: this was my voicemail for a solid year of college.”Hello this is jelly ahhhhhhh whatever”.My aforementioned poor mother hated it and she doesn’t hate anything.I had to change it after I applied to a job, they called me back, I missed the call, and then I returned their call and they said they were no longer interested. I never did figure out why. Ahhhh whatever.Voicemail’s are transparent. John isn’t hiding his pain by posting a post break up Instagram picture of him pretending to have a good time, he’s facing the pain head on, Budweiser in hand and depressing voicemail on the table. (And he’s watching the Os! Back in the good old days before the Nationals came along. Eat my shorts Bryce!).
Heartbroken men need their voicemails!– which brings me to number 1..
1.Blake Shelton-Austin. Number one and it’s not particularly close. What romantically involved Trapeze artists are to the circus,this song is to voicemails. Just really encompasses what they are all about. Listen to the detail he puts into his voicemail greeting
“If your callin’ ’bout the car I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I’m bowlin’
If you’ve got somethin’ to sell your wastin’ your time, I’m not buyin’
If it’s anybody else wait for the tone you know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin I still love you”
Just as I’m about to tearfully whimper “Please more, Mr.Shelton” the never-cantankerous cowboy obliges and offers this delicious second course, I mean verse:
“If it’s Friday night I’m at the ball game
And first thing Saturday if it don’t rain
I’m headed out to the lake and I’ll be gone all weekend long
But I’ll call you back when I get home on Sunday afternoon
And P.S. if this is Austin I still love you”
I mean wow, just wow. Let me step away from my keyboard and collect myself. Ok, my eyes have dried. I’m ready to dissect what this 90’s country hit has to do with my, I mean our #bringbackthevoicemail cause. Who needs Snapchat stories, Facebook uploads or Instagram pictures to brag about what they’re doing when you could just state it with a really, really descriptive answering machine message? Just by calling good ole Blake when he isn’t home we can learn so much about him (like his exact whereabouts, which could be problematic if a serial killer accidentally calls him, I digress)
We know he loves bowling,dislikes telemarketers,sold his old car (probably because it contained too many painful,steamy memories inside it’s steel frame)loves a friday night ball game and a weekend at the lake.His answering machine confirms what we already know, Blake is one hell of a man! And finally, just like john from Wedding Crashers, we know his heart is broken and he still loves a woman who isn’t there. So honest, so descriptive, so right.
Voicemails are for the truth.
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