Cutler’s Miami

    Welcome to Jay Cutler’s Miami,help yourself to a complimentary Mai Tai. If there are two things I love in this life it’s the ocean and people like Jay Cutler.And wouldn’t ya know it, the fates have aligned and they are merging.The sensation I felt as I read the headline “Dolphins interested in Jay Cutler as starter Tannehill injures knee” is what I imagine over dosing on ecstasy feels like.My mind was swimming, my heart was pounding and there was a camping trip in my pants. Just imaging my favorite gun slinging bro (sorry, matt stafford) piss drunk on Miami beach as the sun rises on the day of a noon kickoff get’s my juices flowing like the mighty Nile river after a fruitful sacrifice to the god of rain.I imagine him throwing six touchdown dimes week one and then dropping a line like “I’m tan as shit,there is a fish on my helmet and we won the game so life is pretty swell” on the miami press after the game.

When something this incredible happens, it takes time to process. Let’s dive into the urine filled swimming pool that is my frontal lobe. First off, the 2017-18 dolphins are my favorite team for the season. Dan Snyder is like a cheating wife. Sure I still love my kids (the redskins) so I’m not gonna go all out and file for divorce BUT I’m definitely gonna take some “me time” in Miami to really find myself,explore my body,experiment with some hallucinogens and replace the company of my abusive, cheating wife with the tender,yet powerful touch that only Jay’s right arm can provide me. Man, I can’t wait to get married!

Okay, this blog has really gotten off track (surprise,surprise). I am rambling like a realtor on facebook. Before I digress any further, let us dive into some of Jay’s quotes from his ELECTRIC opening press conference. I mean look how ecstatic he is to be back at the pentacle of his profession:

and more importantly: worship that hair! behold that body! He said he stayed in shape by playing “some pick-up basketball games at Vanderbilt” and added that “The good thing is I play Quarterback, so I really don’t have to be in that great of cardiovascular shape,” That might be the greatest quote of all time.  I just wish he would have been even more honest and said “Yeah, I’m kinda fat but I can still throw it 80 fucking yards and Tannehill is in a wheel chair so here we are”. Only Jay Cutler would 1) Openly admit he is out of shape without even trying to deny it 2)Go on to say that he pretty much doesn’t plan on getting in much better shape because he plays quarterback so he doesn’t need to be in that great of shape. I’m sure Dak Prescott agrees wholeheartedly.This press conference just put the whole league on notice!

If nothing else, Jay Cutler is incredibly adept at finding high paying jobs in awesome cities.Once he graduated high school, he skipped town and made his way to the wonderful town of Nashville where he partied for four straight years,earned a free degree from a scholarly university and set their touchdown record between drinks.Then he moved to the blossoming sky high city of Denver to bro-out with his best buddy Brandon Marshall and blaze some of the finest devil’s lettuce hell has to offer. After five years taking the mile high city for all it was worth, he moved to the second city (IF the movie the ‘break up’ doesn’t make you fall in love with the city of Chicago THEN we cannot be business colleagues or casual lovers) for another very high paying job and enjoyed all that the great American city had to offer.

     Not to mention he made the unspeakably savvy move of marrying my dream woman, Kristin Cavalari, in the midst of this geographically great career of his. They now have a oceanfront house in her wondrous hometown of Laguna Beach, CA, unfathomable amounts of money,an active sex life as evidence by their beautiful children and an all around amazing life.(how I have forgiven him for stealing my dream life AND dream wife show how compassionate I truly am) AND NOW?! Well now, he gets to live in Miami, make a cool 10 million, win a super bowl and replace Dan Marino as Miami’s favorite son. This isn’t just Jay Cutler’s Miami, this is Jay Cutler’s Fucking world.

top picture credit:Theringer.com