I’m not one for introduction paragraphs so lets get this thing rolling harder than a fourteen year old at Bonaroo.I was supposed to audition for Barstool Sport’s “Barstool Idol” today but they called me to let me know it was postponed.I told them I was already on the train and office manager Brett squeaked “Um okay yeah just come in anyway and we’ll do something” this wasn’t exactly the reassuring news I wanted to hear as I sat on a train bound for New York for the sole purpose of this audition. (Sidenote:originally the audition was supposed to be in front of 3 judges and streamed on FB live)
Anyway, after a train ride filled with bill murray, a loaded pepsi and a beverage car adventure with my new train hopping pal Ted (he had few teeth,long hair,much wisdom and kept talking about special cookies)I made it to New York City for the first time. I kinda felt like one of those immigrants coming to Ellis Aisle many years ago but actually felt much more like Buddy the Elf.Instead of escaping the potato famine or finding out I wasn’t an elf, I was running from the thought of working in a cubicle.
I spent my morning going to Saint Patricks Cathedral (where Chris Farley went to daily mass hungover),the NBA store, having a Budweiser or two yada yada. I show up for my “audition” and Brett the office manager politely tells me sit over there in a recliner and wait and we’ll tell you when we are ready.
I was pretty nervous. Sat in that recliner for about 30 minutes as Portnoy, KFC, a porn star,Riggs, etc walked around,talked,worked etc. Pretty wild. Sad I didn’t get to see Caleb or Big Cat though. So finally office manager Brett says “Okay He’s ready” and quite literally leads me into Founder,CEO and Millionaire Dave Portnoy’s office and closes the door. Just me and El Presidente in his office. Wild, Wild stuff. I was expecting to “audition” in the main area or standing up or basically anywhere else besides the founder of the company’s office.Obviously if I knew I was going to be meeting him in this setting I would have prepared a little differently but oh well. He was actually a real stand up, nice guy.
I pitched him some of my ideas and we seemed to be hitting it off somewhat. I would say an idea and he would nod or comment or say “yeah” or “oh yeah” or even “I like that” It wasn’t quite a sexual tone but I’m pretty sure the women around the place who have their eyes on Davey Pageviews were a little jealous at the sounds eminating from his office.So this continues for about ten to fifteen minutes and then he asks me to see the Snapchat weather video I sent in my original audition email. So I hand the man my phone and he watches. I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty brutal. He watched the entire minute and fifteen second video without even cracking a smile.No smirk, nothing. I knew it wasn’t going to get a laugh when he was still stone faced about 20 seconds in, and well that kinda killed our momentum (and my buzz).
He basically ended the meeting by saying I got “screwed over” by the auditions being moved and that he would have to “consult with the other people” to see if they would “bring me back in” but it did not sound too promising. I thought the weatherman video was the one thing that would for sure work but turns out it was the only thing that didn’t work. Vintage life stuff right there.
Honestly, it all happened so fast. I wish I had known I was meeting with him originally, obviously.If were being brutally honest, I wish I had time to ingest a few more yellow pepsis before. Or maybe I should’ve just grabbed a bottle of Oakheart and started gulping. This would have given me the courage to look at Dave and say “I’m either leaving here with a job or a restraining order”. Anyways, if you are one of the 8 loyal readers of this blog or wished me good luck, I really appreciate it. I’m going to continue to perfect my craft so hopefully I’ll get called back up to the big leagues and next time, I’m either leaving employed or in handcuffs.
P.S.- Here is a link to the weather video
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