Yes, the rumors are true. I was indeed shot this weekend.Let me try to explain the thought process behind this series of unfortunate events, welcome to the mind of someone with serious #issues. So I wake up on my friends couch on Saturday morning after a fairly raucous night (so sick bro). So we flip on SportsCenter yada yada yada an hour later we are in their back yard hunting squirrels with great fervor.It didn’t take long for us to kill or scare away all the neighborhood squirrels and their good time buddies. So we moved on to shooting glass bottles, cans and paper plate targets. The bottles shattered, the cans and targets were pierced and we had grown bored.
Now this is where it gets interesting. Remember that line from Wedding Crashers when they are hunting quail in the woods?
Jeremy Grey: I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn’t see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can’t we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That’d be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That’ll get you jacked up.
So just as they were bored with hunting quail in camouflage, we were bored with shooting inanimate objects.So for some reason I thought it was a good idea to take a bullet, for the team. It would be an adventure or something. So we start moving the bottles further and further back to test the guns strength,and much to my dismay they were still getting shattered and I was getting cold feet so we decided to call it off and head inside.
I can’t tell you exactly why but like five to ten minutes later I just stood up and said “lets go” and we did it immediately like mormons on their honeymoon. No hesitation we all just ran outside and a minute later I was in the probably the worst pain of my life.I can’t really describe the pain that well but I will say the 3 seconds standing there waiting for it was the longest 3 seconds of my life (or at least since my first handjob).It just felt like an explosion against one of the bones in my back and my whole right arm just started tingling and felt so freaking weird man.I kinda panicked cause it felt like the bone in my back broke and was sticking out and my arm was all tingly but it was just my mind playing tricks on me.
Shortly after the above video ended,I curled up in the fetal position as blood poured out of my back like a faucet. I was saying things like “its all over” and “my arm is gonna fall off”.I’m smart when I’m in shock what can I say. The worst of the pain only lasted like 5 to 10 minutes. By worst of I mean like when I felt like I was gonna die and/or shit myself.After that it just felt like I had gotten 100 shots from the doctor in my shoulder and arm. Made me have even more respect for people in the armed forces who are literally a thousand times tougher than I.So we put some towels on the couch so it didn’t get bloody and watched the Army Navy game the way the NRA would have wanted us to.
PS- My mom was not a fan of the video at all
P.S.S.- Here’s another one of my favorite quotse from Wedding Crashers
Jeremy Grey: I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.
John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
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