Welcome to Hollywood hoops! Basically this is where I inform you about “actual” pick-up basketball games that “happened” in the magical land of Hollywood. Think of me as Jared from Hey Arnold spinning yarns at the lunch table. First matchup is a game I was lucky enough to watch take place just last week at a little court outside of studio 68 on the sunset strip.Without further Adu-Hollywood Hoops-volume 1!
The Squads:Leonardo Dicaprio&Jonah Hill VS Zac Efron and Jon Mayer
This game was truly a gift to watch.I was obviously ecstatic when Jonah Hill demanded that his team be skins. As a writer, I like to use all my senses. So I’ll start with my favorite sense, smell. Jonah and Leo smelled of hard booze and looked like they hadn’t slept from the night before. What a torso Leo has. It screams domination,sex and double breakfast.Tip off was on a sunny (no shit,It’s Hollywood baby!) friday around noon. Efron/Mayer smelled like they had just smoked a jazz cigarette filled with rainy day woman and a touch of angel dust in the Lamborghini they arrived in.I’m not here to judge, but boy did it smell like sex on the court that day. Scent advantage:team Efron.
My 2nd favorite sense is feel.So I stuck my hand down my pants and explored like a perverse mirror dimension Leaf Erickson who had opted for a career in anatomy instead of geography. Imagine if he discovered the America of the human body?I digress. As the teams warmed up I also used my sense of hearing. Leo and Jonah were the much louder team, yelling and laughing about stuff that didn’t really make sense to the untrained ear.For example, Leo would say “I can’t believe last night you..” and Jonah would yell, stamp his feet and loudly interrupt “ME?! YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ME MUTHA FUCKA?! YOUUU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS…” then Leo would put his hands over Jonah’s mouth and they fell to the ground both hysterically laughing. Definitely still drunk/on whatever they took last night. Team Efron was much more mellow, a laugh here a comment here. It’s game time.
Jonah demands to shoot for first possession, and proceeded to chuck up an air ball. Some real alpha shit.Possession team Efron. Zac makes a nice jab step and gets by Leo and into the lane looking to finish. Jonah steps toward him and then, much to everyones surprise,violently body checks him like a crazed hockey player. Efron looks up from the concrete with a shocked look on his face. “Get up ya Charlie Cloud mutha fucka” Says Jonah Hill. Leo chimes in “I actually liked that movie”. Efron Laughs “Game on pussies”. John Mayer sings “It’s like were slow dancing in a burning room” puzzled looks all around. Check ball.
Back and forth back and forth. Team Efron goes up 10-7 thanks to some quality mid range shooting(game is first team to 11 wins. Jonah calls “a timeout”. So team Efron goes to indulge in some figi water on the sideline and Leo/Jonah get in a real tight huddle. I know they were hiding something for numerous reasons 1)I used to call huddles during JV practice when I wanted to take out my sidekick and text girls that didn’t like me back during practice without getting yelled at by our coach 2)When the timeout was over they were noticeably FIRED UP.
Jonah proceeds to set up in the post and just starts yelling “FEED ME LEO, FEEEEEED ME. IM SHAQUILLE IN THIS MOTHER FUCKER, THE BIG FUCKIN DIESEEEELLLLLL, LIKE A F-250 HAWLIN 10 THOUSAND DIRTY DIAPAS! THE BIG NAKED ARISTOTLE BABAY! AND I GOT A MOUSE IN THE HOUSEEEEE! A MOUSE TRYIN TO GUARD ME?!WELL THERES NO CHRISTMAS IN LA!!!” So Leo feeds him the ball and Jonah lowers his shoulder in what can only be described as a blitzkrieg bum rush toward the hoop and does a double handed lay up off the glass as mayer falls backward into the chain link fence behind the baseline. Power and finesse from Hill.Wow, what a man.10-8.
Jonah starts yelling again. PICK AND ROLL, LEO BABAY!!!! And man maybe jonah should start directing because the play worked to a tee. DiCaprio to Jonah one.more.time.10-9.At this point Mayer and Efron start to get a little agitated.Mayer starts chirping to Leo, and Leo takes one look at him and says “keep jennifer anniston, I slept with fuckin Death last week”. Leo uses an Iverson esque crossover to get to the hoop and finishes with a finger roll like a real man.Don’t mess with Leo. 10-10 next point wins.
GAME POINT: Mayer looks at Leo as the two titans of the lovemaking industry lock eyes. Mayer gently whispers “Memories are the best porn”. Leo whispers back “you can’t watch porn with a broken computer”. Jonah starts loudly advocating for Leo to throw him an alley-oop so Leo finally reluctantly passes it to him, but the deceptively quick Efron steals the ball like he stole my heart during High School Musical 2. Efron gives a nice chest pass back to Mayer at the top of the key. As Dicaprio’s lackluster defense continues to be a liability, Mayer gets by him and into the lane.Only one thing stands between Mayer and the game winning layup, Jonah Hill. Jonah is under the basket, patiently stalking his pray like a cheetah over looking a watering hole packed with oblivious gazzele.
Both men gather themselves to jump while simultaneously letting out their own unique battle cry.Jonah loudly groans like an oxen being raped by a lonely farmer while Mayer sighs “Gravity. It’s working against me. Ooooh graaaavity, it brings me doooown.” The ball leaves Mayer’s hand and gently floats through the air toward the hoop milliseconds before he was engulfed by Jonah’s bountiful being in a mid air collision of biblical proportions. Every cell of their body,minds and souls were entrenched in a Gettysburg-esque battle against one another although they also seemed to be unified as they fell to the hot pavement as a single heap of humanity. Efron and Dicaprio rush to the hoop in hopes of securing the rebound.As Mayer landed violently against the hard earth with 400 pounds of pure wilderbeast on top of him, he heard the one sound that made his journey through the fires of hell all worth while: the swoosh of the net. “He’s a fuckin giant killa” Hill mutters. Game over.
Back Court Press 