Bernie’s Beats:The 2017 Draft-Stop Picking your Boogers Daniel!
The NFL, much like the underground nymphomaniac community, has completely transformed over the past decade. Modern defenses require safeties and linebackers who are able to cover routes while offenses have created plays that require the QB to get the ball out of his hands within 2 seconds of the snap.
The draft is a time for teams to pick players that best fit into their organization’s culture. In the past there has been far too many bad picks where great players have had their careers ruined because GM’s simply selected the best available player instead of building their team correctly. Have you ever seen a happy relationship work out in the long run because he or she was the best one available? If she has daddy issues, you don’t have a stable job/career because can’t put down the bowl, and she loves playing with slot machines, you might see a divorce down the road. That’s going to make your broke ass even more miserable. So build a team that will control the line of scrimmage, plan for the future and never marry a girl you meet at District 5.
For all GM’s and future GM’s, please take a moment, reflect on the big picture, and stick with the game plan. Cross out the players who are an absolute no, understand you must build a strong line on both sides of the ball in order to create a super bowl team, and don’t be afraid to trade picks and DB’s/WR’s/RB’s for a veteran QB or LB.
If you’re a browns, bears, or redskins fan, remember you have an owner who has been drinking since 8AM . Here is their schedule:
- Irish coffee at 8AM
- 7 rounds of mimosas at 9AM
- cracking a handle of Tito’s vodka at 9:30AM followed by a short business meeting.
- emotional breakdown followed by a nap at 11AM
- 32 beers from noon till 7 while making several sloppy calls to their teams GM demanding they take a QB in the first round because “well I saw him get interviewed by Hannah Storm on SportsCenter this morning and he seemed great!!!! We need high character guys like that in our organization!!Hell, Maybe he can fix me up on a date with Hannah Storm too! My wife will never know!”
- Some Mint juleps while watching highlight tapes on Youtube.
- Draft party begins with body shots of tequila with every pick and a devil’s threesome for every mention of Manziel or Laremy Tunsil (if you have to ask, then I’m afraid you can’t afford it)
- finish the night with a glass of old fashioned and a cigar
And as a ritual, he’s most likely blindfolding himself and throwing a dart at the wall of prospects that he thought would generate the highest amount of sales in jersey before the season starts. For some of you thinking, “that’s over the top, no one can drink that much.” First, they’re throwing up, and they have Jay Cutler cleaning up their mess (just imagine his “I don’t care about anything” face, while he’s on all fours with a wash rag). Second, these owners drug test themselves at the end of the day so they can laugh and say “holy mackerel, I snorted that? This was a good batch.”
Defensive Players and Offensive Linemen are the most Valuable Picks. I’m not going through each player that espn likes to. I’m not going to mention their combine numbers. These are the notes I have received from a healthy drinker who is a NFL expert and LOVES playing shuffle board. Here are the stars we will see every fall for the next decade.
TJ WATT -> IT’S IN THE BLOOD (kinda like EA sports, it’s in the game. I thought it was funny.)
His combine says he’s a more athletic JJ. However, he’s a different player. Altogether, he’s a Watt, which as a GM, you know you’re getting a kid who is becoming a man, has a good work ethic, takes accountability and ask for more responsibility. Most importantly, Watts don’t know how to talk to girls. Women are distracting and can get you in trouble. There’s no debate there. TJ tells the ladies they’re not worthy enough to date a Watt. He’s not a problem child, he’s a man child, an instinctive play maker.
Prediction: Texans, go play with your brother bro beans.
Reuben Foster is Mike Glennon’s nightmare.He’s a damn mad man. As a high school football recruiting nerd, there was no doubt this animal was determined to be a NFL hall of famer. Foster creates force like a vicious wolf leading their pack on the first hunt of spring. Sideline to sideline, patient and explosive, this head hunter knows how to read and react. Furthermore, Foster might be the smartest player to ever come out of Alabama. His ability to find the ball allows him to be a true finisher. Best Linebacker in the daft this year.
Prediction: Chicago Bears, just another monster of the midway.
When you watch this video, don’t follow your eyes on the ball carrier like the failing espn analyst do. Locate number ten before the snap. You will see the game of football differently.
Leonard Fournette could be a beast if the right team picks him. If he has an O Line that’s as weak and stupid as the democratic party, he won’t be able to show off his skills in the second level of a defense. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the real deal, he is the traditional back you want and I for one like to eat Turkey on Thanksgiving.Keep that tofu to yourself, cousin Harry. However, you should only take Leonard Fournette if you can to surround him with a solid offensive line that won’t have him in a wheelchair by 25.
Prediction: Panthers, bring the triple option in the NFL
Prepare for some goosebumps.
My little cousin Christian McCaffery is a great pick due to his versatility. Plus he can bring cultural diversity to the running back position which will have the PC police force rejoicing.One NFL scout told me “successful white NFL running backs are about as scarce as celibate rock stars.” Well, Tim Tebow is pretty much a celibate rockstar so I feel comfortable saying Mccaffery will be a successful NFL player.I can’t really compare his style to anyone else, where he is truly unique. Most of his yards in his early career will be coming from receiving check down passes and turning it up in the open field against DB’s.
Prediction: Colts, Trees grow better together. Join up with Andrew Luck and save the forest.
Dalvin Cook is special. He has that Florida State “can’t beat it” speed. This draft is the draft of RB’s. The spread offense is missing the running game component. I believe Dalvin Cook and Christian McCaffery will be the revolutionary running backs that will be able to change the game when it comes to respecting the running game. They know how to find and create holes when being handed the ball in the shotgun set (no, that was not a rape joke).
Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles, perfect fit for that offensive system.
Linemen, wideouts, and quarterbacks will not be covered in this article. No one finds linemen interesting or entertaining, and linemen understand that. However, if your favorite team picks a lineman, be happy, it’s always a great pick. You must control the line of scrimmage. Wideouts are a waste of a draft pick, a college lax bro was one of the leading receivers for the super bowl champs. You can find a good wideout being cut at your division rivals training camp.
This year has a bad group of QB’s. My theory on drafting a QB, if he’s not a Winston or a Luck, wait till the fourth round and pick up the best available. That guy is your team player, your backup who turns out to be Tony Romo or Tom Brady. He’s a competitive fighter like Brett Farve and Derek Carr. You need a Mr. Reliable who will help a teammate cover up a murder (with tom brady is an exception, he knew Aaron Hernández was in too deep). Look at the long list of great starting QB’s in the NFL, most of them were picked up after the second round. Most QB’s picked up in the first round turn out to be like RG3… a bust.
Last note, if you’re a player that’s going into the draft, do not go to Philadelphia, it is a shithole. The people suck and so does the weather. Go enjoy the nice spring weather, get on a boat, hang out with some family and friends so you can remind yourself who your true friends are. Fame can ruin a man’s success, so give thanks, and enjoy your weekend with some Hennessy and Blanton’s Bourbon. You deserve it big fella.
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