Circa 2015
Short story short: I applied to be Bill Simmons summer intern for his new website. Basically the qualifications were like having stuff published, working in an office like environment before yata yata yata. If you know me, you know that’s not how this dog barks. I work outside, blue collar. I sleep naked with the windows open. However, I do love love Bill Simmons so I applied even though I am DRASTICALLY under qualified. My only slight hope was to grab their attention with my cover letter and for them to just bring me in as some sort of mascot. Here is my snowballs chance in hell cover letter:
Cover Letter
Okay let us start with the obvious, the awkward, the fact that I’m not exactly “qualified” for this “position” (Please imagine Mac Foley doing Air Quotes, thanks). That’s just a fact, I’m not here to argue facts. However, I will ask you this, do you really want someone who meets those qualifications? The guy I pictured while reading those requirements is not someone I want to hang out with all summer. It’s a guy who does not know how to have a good time, watches First Take religiously, thinks ‘Two and a Half Men’ is the best sitcom ever, touches himself while reading “The Book Of Basketball” and has only kissed a woman when he presses his lips to the Swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated (As Seinfeld would say,not that there’s anything wrong with that). All I’m saying is that this is the type of guy who thinks he is “too good for reality television”. I’m the type of guy that will tell you exactly which episode of “The Hills” Brody Jenner’s beard peaked in (Season 5, episode 9).
With me, you will get a total wildcard. When you send me to grab coffee from Dunkin Donuts, your precious iced coffee might just come back spiked with the perfect amount of ever clear. An amount small enough that you won’t taste it, but substantial enough to make you feel something. All the sudden it will be the best working Wednesday of your life. You will be thinking, “I’m not sure why, but I feel wicked awesome!”. Next thing you know the whole office will be at happy hour meshing into a cohesive unit stimulating an even better future work environment.
We will all come in to work Thursday morning with small headaches and big smiles. Jon from accounting will yell across the office “Billy Boy, you are crazy!!!! I haven’t seen anyone put Jager back like that since my roommate got alcohol poisoning freshman year of college when he was dressed in a giraffe suit at the Delta Chi Festivus Liquor Party!!” Without me, you never would have known Jon from accounting (bald,happily married with two beautiful sons) had a wild side.Sure, we will have to revise the hell out of what we wrote the day before, but after heavy revisions you will realize it’s the best, most original off-the-wall stuff you have written in years!
Hire the Wildcard (I CUT THE BRAKES!), if you want to feel alive and be kept on your toes. Or don’t and imagine whoever you do chose to hire touching themselves to your book every time their sticky hands deliver alcohol free coffee to your desk every morning, the choice is yours.
Back Court Press 