Circa spring 2013
“The Office” is one of the all time shows and the Redskins are my all-time favorite football team. One of the two has been great in the last twenty years and the other has been as enjoyable as a PR meeting with Toby Flenderson. However, the similarities between the Redskins and The Office are harder to elude than a cocktail fueled cougar looking for a dance partner when “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” comes on in the trailer park.
1.Michael Scott– Dan Snyder
The question that brought “The Office” to life was: “What if you worked for the worlds worst boss?” That is a question that everyone unfortunate enough to be apart of the Redskins organization can answer. These two men even look alike! Both are painfully self unaware, play favorites, and are generally bad bosses. However, Michael Scott is no Dan Snyder. He’s usually funny at often even likable while being bad boss. Dan Snyder is not funny at all and he is universally detested by Skins fans around the globe.However he does spend a lot of money which I respect. DONT BE STINGY DANNY BOY!
Dan Snyder: “Whenever you are coming off a serious Injury it takes time to heal”
“There is no reason we don’t have 15 or 20 Johnny Rockets in Dubai”
Michael Scott: “Would I rather be feared or loved? That’s easy. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
Dance off: Michael Scott vs. Dan Snyder
The similarities in these two are just uncanny. They their bosses favorite, habitually receiving inappropriate public favoritism. Ryan, a business school prodigy of sorts, quickly climbs the Dunder-Mifflin company agility ladder quickly and becomes the youngest VP in company history.Griffin enjoyed a similarly speedy rise to the top as he took the skins to the playoffs and rightfully took home rookie of the year honors as a starter in his first season in the league.
One of the two said “I’m not saying I had a meteoric rise…but I did”(I’ll let you guess.) The obvious cockiness tucked beneath a faint vail of false humility is another thing these two man children share. Unfortunately for these fate bound brothers who enjoyed the fertile fall season of their professional careers, they were about to be greeted by a tumultuous Scranton winter. Ryan was fired after failing miserably as VP(and he LOVES cocaine!), accidentally turning the companies website into a pedophile hangout and nearly taking the entire company down with him.Similarly, RG3’s second season was about as successful as the Abc’s The Bachelor and Bachelorette marriage success rate. They may be coworkers at a bowling alley soon.Take me to the fantasy suite!
Ryan Howard:“Convergence.Viral marketing. We’re going gurilla. We’re taking it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street:Wall Street.I don’t want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words:it is what it is.Buying paper just became fun!”
Robert Griffin:”#allinforweekone #knowyourwhy #nopressurenodiamonds #beyourowndoctor #greatness”
3.Dwight Shrute– Scot McCloughan
Dwight is what makes the office go. He is the main reason they have stayed in business and their only hope to avoid the mass extinction of paper company branches.He is the companies top salesman, a paper genius and workhorse, but certainly has a strange side.The same could be said for Scot McCloughan. He’s a proven genius and winner but once had a problem with alcohol, divorce, and his wife even recently claimed a reporter would trade him sexual favors for an inside “scoop”(what the pilgrims would call “a fair trade”). Alas Scotty boy was fired from the 49ers and Seahawks and alcohol was a factor in that but his scouting and decision making were not. Similarly Dwight Shrute’s fantasy of becoming regional manager lasted less than a week after he accidentally fired a weapon inside the office, and he too has a taste for bittersweet nectar of extramarital affairs. Plus, both men grew up on farms! Bottom line, never trust a man without a few vices. They may have issues, but they are the only hope for their teams. Has Luke Bryan ever actually been on a farm?
4. Wil Ferrell– Junior Gallette
When I heard Wil Ferrell was joining the office after the departure of the beloved Michael Scott, I felt about as excited as a suburban kid at the midnight premier of “Straight Outta Compton”. I was hoping he would be there to stay, but his characters underwhelming reign over the office was cut short due to a debilitating head injury. Similarly, the arousal I felt when the Redskins signed Junior Gallette I had only felt when I first saw Rihanna’s transcendent “Rude Boi” music video. However he is out for the remainder of his one year contract due to a torn achilles. Both men got my hopes up but ultimately crushed them. Think of a wonderful first date that doesn’t lead to a second. DAMN YOU CHRISTINE!
5.Stanley– Desean Jackson
These wonderful men are talented yes, but are also lazy and lack motivation at times. Desean’s instagram post about griffin is the equivalent to Stanley’s “Did I studder?!” rant directed at Michael. Alot of adjectives are often used to describe Desean (urban,fast,sexy,gang member) but hard-working usually is not in the kettle. Stanley gets his sales but has no interest in going above and beyond the call of duty, choosing instead to daydream of retirement and his mistress’s arms. Main difference: Stanley will never get his own show on BET (unfortunately).
6.Kevin– Rex Grossman
Alright, alright I know he isn’t on the team anymore but I can’t help it. Didn’t it seem like my main man Rex “Fugg it I’m going long”Grossman’s NFL career lasted a little longer than it should have? That he was just a tad out of shape and out of place? Likewise, Kevin had no business having a job as an accountant but was likable enough to be kept around. As Mccloughlan stepped in as GM, and Dwight was finally promoted to regional manager we had to say a teary goodbye to our favorite out of shape accountant and our favorite out of shape quarterback as their bosses literally trimmed the fat. Kevin went on to open a bar in the show, if Rex opens a bar none of you will ever see me again.
Kevin Malone: “Mini-cupcakes?As in the mini version of a regular cupcake which is already the mini version of a cake? Honestly, Where does it end with you people?”
Rex Grossman: “I was still kinda drunk from last night, so that should answer your question as to why I audibled to a Hail Mary on first and goal.”
A battle of my two favorite heavy weights Kevins highlights vs. Grossman goes long
7. Creed Bratton– Jay Gruden
To put it bluntly, both men do not give a shit. These are two men you do not want to mess with.LOOK INTO THOSE EYES!
Creed Bratton:”No one steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it.The last man to steal from me disappeared, and his name was Creed Bratton.”
“I’ve been involved in a number of colts both as a leader and as a follower. Its more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader”
Jay Gruden:”And I really dislike the guy who called me a fatass, that really ticked me off.I don’t mind you critiquing my coaching style but to make fun of my weight, thats unfair.I’m only 225. Jesus.”
What a show. What an organization!One is a comedy, one is a tragedy.
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