Dear Belmont Pizza, first of all I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my hear. My name is Ed, My friends call me Edward, and I have lived in the Fan District of Richmond, Virginia for the better part of 60 years. I did leave for a few years to go Sweat my tuchus off in ‘Nam but I don’t like to talk about those days anymore. Anyhow, I reckon when I got home from the war I was tired of being in the company of johns and Jim’s all day and all night, so I went and found myself a suzy (and an agatha, but thats a different a story!)and what a woman susie is! She caught my eye at a prohibition Disco with her flexible hips and not so flexible morals. And let me tell you,that was the place to be to enjoy the sauce that was rightfully ours, we were getting our share! Anyhow, I’ll get to the point.
Me and susie were married in the late 60s and have enjoyed a mostly happy union, but after years of red hot love, things turned stale, much like a human corpse after a few days in that damn vietnam sun. It got to the point where we could barely make conversation, much less eye contact. We hadn’t made love or even touched in years.It was like there was nothing left to talk about. We were that couple at the restaurant silently eating.Hell, the last time we made love was because the Clinton scandal really turned us on. Our kisses had become more like hugs, and our hugs more like shrugs. That all changed on a cold winter night a few years ago.
I said “susie, my arthritis ain’t acting up, how bout we try that pizza parlor down yonder” and she agreed. We drove the car down the street, it was a quiet and depressing ride. We stepped in and ordered your world famous buffalo chicken pizza.As we rode home, the only thing steamy in the car was the pizza box. As the sensual odor immolated from the box, I began to feel fertility creeping in my loins for the first time since the berlin wall came down.
After what seemed like forever, we got home and opened the box and jumped head first into the pizza. After my first voluptuous bite, as I felt the buffalo chicken and ranch giving my taste buds a lap dance, I began to experience something I hadn’t felt in years; arousal. Now I’ve tried all the stuff, viagra, cialis, even horse eurin but nothing got me going quite like your perfect blend of signature sauce and hand made crust.
I looked over at Suzie, and could tell I wasn’t the only one feeling the heat of the moment. As we locked eyes for the first time in several minstrel cycles, I saw sweat dripping down her brow and her eyes were filled with desire like it was our wedding night. We thoroughly enjoyed our meal and even hours after it was over, I could not stop thinking about that feeling. As we climbed into our bed that night, I imagined my wife was a Buffalo chicken pizza. Her sweet skin was the delicious cheese, her generous curves were the perfect crust, and her various crevices were the sweet mozzarella! I turned to her and dove into her being much like I dove into the pizza hours before. Hours passed and every part of our body, not only our stomachs, was now satisfied.
The next night we decided we needed more. So we returned and we couldn’t even make it in the door at home with our clothes on. Next thing I knew, we were butt naked with a full pizza. This night was the night that saved the marriage. We used each other as human pizza plates! Erotica filled the air as buffalo chicken and human skin became one. I wasn’t sure if i was tasting a kiss or a bite of pizza, and I did not care to find out. Though we may have suffered some 2nd degree burns and have replaced our stained bed sheets with a picnic blanket, it was well worth it. Thank you for saving my marriage, you beautiful italians!
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